Roll End Credits

It's long...but it says volumes. Taken from our morning IM chat.

Beloved: anyway...I'm worried about you...are you ok??
Me: why?
Me: just in a shitty mood i guess
Beloved: you sound so upset
Me: it'll pass
Beloved: your allowed to have those once in a while
Beloved: we all do
Beloved: but know I love you in spite of it
Me: thank you
Beloved: so if you want to vent on me feel more than welcome
Me: naaaaa... its monday...who wants to hear someone gripe?...besides, i'm just crabby
Beloved: I hear ya there sister...if it's you griping...I want to hear it
Me: prolly cuz i'm raggin
Beloved: baby well you talk to me if you wanna...I won't push anything
Me: ok...whats if its u i'm pissed at?
Beloved: then talk to me about it
Me: i'm not pissed at u
Me: but u have lost ur alarm clock privileges
Beloved: lol
Beloved: wait a minute
Beloved: I think it is me your pissed at
Me: why do u think that?
Beloved: I can feel it
Me: nu uh
Beloved: baby what did I do???
Beloved: no walls...tell me
Me: its my mom
Beloved: what talk to me sweetie...please
Me: talking to her yesterday...on our way up to the City
Me: she knows the things i want in our relationship
Beloved: that was a long time together...I figured that was going to come up
Beloved: what did you tell her you wanted in our relationship
Me: you know...we've had this discussion before
Me: she doesnt understand your point of view
Me: u have to remember...my step-dad got divorced on friday...married Mom on sat....
Me: so that is her perspective
Beloved: I know...oh...so she is thinking you should leave me I'm sure
Me: so she thinks i am putting my own wants & needs aside because its not what u want
Beloved: which in all honesty aren't you doing that by staying with me...
Me: she also thinks u have the best of both worlds...as in i'm acting the wife, but not in reality
Beloved: nu uh...I don't make you do anything for me...but love me...
Me: she doesnt understand...after she's talked to you u before...i guess u left her with the impression u wanted to get married and blah, blah, blahblibity blah blah
Me: so anyway...its been on my mind
Beloved: hmmmm
Me: she thinks i should have a timeframe in my head about how long i should wait around
Me: which i do
Me: but her timeframe & my timeframe are different
Beloved: and that is?...what is hers and yours?
Me: mine is around a year...hers is 6 months
Beloved: for us to get married??
Me: yes
Me: or engaged for me...
Beloved: hmmmmmmmmmm I have to think on this one...I am kinda busy at the moment also...I'll IM you in a few
Me: its nothing for you to think about
Beloved: oh yes it is
Me: because i feel like its a catch-22...its obvious you dont want to marry me...& i want to be married...so now what? you feel pressured & i feel like if i dont say anything mom is right...i'm just allowing what i want to remain unimportant & unsaid...
Me: i just wanted u to want the same things i wanted at the same time
Me: i know ur busy
Me: i'm just getting out whats in my head
Me: u can read it later
Beloved: ok...type away sweetie, lay it all out there
Beloved: I will reply to all of it
Me: theres no reply necessary
Me: i cant make u want what i want when i want it...it just hurts is all
Me: i'm in the rock & hard place
Me: when i feel in the beginning u did want to get married a lot sooner...u talked about me being ur wife all the time...then something changed, & i dont know what...cold feet maybe...wanting ur freedom...i dunno...but i am left still wanting it...not expecting u to do a 180
Me: so its almost shameful to talk to mom about it...cuz a year ago i told her about how we talked about getting married & having a baby & all that...she knows nothing of whats been going on for the last 6 months with you and i...so she's clueless...& i'm ashamed to tell her you've completely changed your mind and i havent & yet we're still together...she would think i was completely stupid
Me: so i just try to say as little about it as possible...or lie outright...but me saying little or nothing only makes her press more
Me: cuz u know how moms r
Me: at least my mom
Me: she's more persistent than u r
Me: so anyway...i'm just thinking about it all
Me: that & waking up late & raggin has left me crabby
Beloved: baby I'm so slammed...I'm so sorry your stressing like this...and it's wrong...
Beloved: I'll talk more in a bit
Me: i said...its ok
Beloved: no it's not ok...this requires discussion
Me: thats the b*tch...whats there to discuss?...u feel one way...i feel another...i dont see a middle ground on this one & thats whats so depressing
Beloved: I didn't know you put a time limit on it...and I see you suffering unfairly
Me: it was my own timeframe...not urs
Beloved: but it effects me as well as you
Me: it really only effects me...
Beloved: oh ok...so in a year when it's not what you want and you leave to go find what you want...you think it's only effecting you???
Me: well...i didnt think about it that way...all i know is u feel one way & i feel another...at this point i dont know what to do or not to do
Beloved: I see this...hmmmmm...give me a few
Beloved: I all of the sudden feel like some mean ass that has kept a beautiful bird in a cage. I feel like I should be letting you go rather than waste your time...and no matter how bad I will hurt or not want it...I feel like that is what you deserve...to go find what you want...I love you so much that all I want is for you to be happy and you aren't getting that from me...you may have temporary happiness...but I want you to have your long term happiness...
Me: i just want to cry
Beloved: so do I
Beloved: why do you want to...cause you believe that to be true?
Me: i dont know
Beloved: then why do you want to cry
Me: i cry because i'm sad
Me: that things with you changed
Beloved: as am I...
Me: & i dont know what they are
Beloved: I don't think they changed
Me: & it doesnt matter anyway
Me: it is what it is
Beloved: why
Me: the outcome/result is the same
Beloved: I love you uhave2bkidn...more than you will ever know...and I do think I will lose you one day over you needing something I'm not providing...
Beloved: and I could never hold that against you
Beloved: because you deserve so much
Me: i just want to die
Beloved: you feel like crying...I feel like dying

Later....

Beloved: ok well I am at a loss...can't figure it out
Me: maybe we need some time apart to figure it out
Beloved: I don't know if I wanted marriage and a baby and things inside me changed after going through that nightmare of a divorce and scared me away from it entirely...or if I didn't want it in the beginning and saw you did and wanted you so bad that I knew that was what I needed to tell you to keep you...and this is the first time you have mentioned time apart...how much time...when...how...I'm afraid to be without you
Me: so u dont know if u ever wanted them...why did you tell me u did?
Me: wait...it doesnt matter
Me: i need time to think
Beloved: what...no I do want them
Beloved: I want to be with you till I am no longer alive
Me: u r not making any sense
Beloved: I know
Me: 'I don't know if I wanted marriage and a baby'
Me: that is what u just wrote
Beloved: I want to be with you for the rest of my life...and I understand that is/will include marriage...do I know when?...no
Me: I know
Beloved: that is cause you had me wondering...and I love you so much that I know I would marry you and have a baby with you...I also know I can't right now...and on those subjects the time for you is now
Me: here is what i know: i do want those things...i want them with you...but i dont see any point in sticking around waiting for you to now 'grow into' the idea...its like ur waiting for your own self to talk u into it
Me: u cant right now...what makes u think u will 'eventually'...or in the future at all?
Beloved: because I know I can't be without you and know that if I spend the rest of my life with you that you deserve to be my wife
Beloved: back to my question...how much time apart are you talking about...and do you mean completely...like not talking or seeing each other...or just cutting way back???
Me: i need some time alone to think this out for myself
Beloved: ok how much time???
Me: i dont know...a week?
Me: however long it takes me to make a decision
Beloved: so you want me to go all the rest of this week without seeing or talking to you
Me: yes
Beloved: do I have anything at the apartment??
Me: I don't think so....some cake mix maybe
Me: & other sweets
Beloved: not worried about that stuff...ok so are you going to go out at all this week ??
Me: is that ur concern right now??
Me: r u serious?
Beloved: I had to ask...but no not my concern
Me: i'm telling you all of this...& u think what? i'm going out somewhere?
Me: unbelievable
Beloved: no baby
Beloved: ok...so let me also ask this...do you want this phone back now in case?
Me: no
Beloved: ok then....I love you and I'll talk to you next monday
Me: ok
Beloved: I'm logging out and not going to log in all week to resist the desire to talk to you

A minute later...

Beloved: logged back in to say I really don't want to be without you...but fully understand your side...I just hope that next monday you still want to be with me...oh well...I will talk to you then
Me: i dont think u understand
Me: but i'm going to figure out what is important to me & do what i think is best for me
Beloved: I do understand that
Me: ok
Beloved: ok...well I hope you figure out what you need too...and if come monday we are no longer together I will know it is what is best for you and that is all that is important...I do love you though baby...lots
Me: i love you too...what i dont think ur getting is that love is not enough
Me: but oh well
Beloved: and I can stay logged in and not talk to you...so I will be here if you need me or have questions...I do understand that love is not enough...and I am fully convinced that come monday you will want to go our seperate ways...so honestly whether I understand or not is really not relevant.
Beloved: ok, I'll leave you alone now