Roll End Credits

It's long...but it says volumes. Taken from our morning IM chat.

Beloved: anyway...I'm worried about you...are you ok??
Me: why?
Me: just in a shitty mood i guess
Beloved: you sound so upset
Me: it'll pass
Beloved: your allowed to have those once in a while
Beloved: we all do
Beloved: but know I love you in spite of it
Me: thank you
Beloved: so if you want to vent on me feel more than welcome
Me: naaaaa... its monday...who wants to hear someone gripe?...besides, i'm just crabby
Beloved: I hear ya there sister...if it's you griping...I want to hear it
Me: prolly cuz i'm raggin
Beloved: baby well you talk to me if you wanna...I won't push anything
Me: ok...whats if its u i'm pissed at?
Beloved: then talk to me about it
Me: i'm not pissed at u
Me: but u have lost ur alarm clock privileges
Beloved: lol
Beloved: wait a minute
Beloved: I think it is me your pissed at
Me: why do u think that?
Beloved: I can feel it
Me: nu uh
Beloved: baby what did I do???
Beloved: no walls...tell me
Me: its my mom
Beloved: what talk to me sweetie...please
Me: talking to her yesterday...on our way up to the City
Me: she knows the things i want in our relationship
Beloved: that was a long time together...I figured that was going to come up
Beloved: what did you tell her you wanted in our relationship
Me: you know...we've had this discussion before
Me: she doesnt understand your point of view
Me: u have to remember...my step-dad got divorced on friday...married Mom on sat....
Me: so that is her perspective
Beloved: I know...oh...so she is thinking you should leave me I'm sure
Me: so she thinks i am putting my own wants & needs aside because its not what u want
Beloved: which in all honesty aren't you doing that by staying with me...
Me: she also thinks u have the best of both worlds...as in i'm acting the wife, but not in reality
Beloved: nu uh...I don't make you do anything for me...but love me...
Me: she doesnt understand...after she's talked to you u before...i guess u left her with the impression u wanted to get married and blah, blah, blahblibity blah blah
Me: so anyway...its been on my mind
Beloved: hmmmm
Me: she thinks i should have a timeframe in my head about how long i should wait around
Me: which i do
Me: but her timeframe & my timeframe are different
Beloved: and that is?...what is hers and yours?
Me: mine is around a year...hers is 6 months
Beloved: for us to get married??
Me: yes
Me: or engaged for me...
Beloved: hmmmmmmmmmm I have to think on this one...I am kinda busy at the moment also...I'll IM you in a few
Me: its nothing for you to think about
Beloved: oh yes it is
Me: because i feel like its a catch-22...its obvious you dont want to marry me...& i want to be married...so now what? you feel pressured & i feel like if i dont say anything mom is right...i'm just allowing what i want to remain unimportant & unsaid...
Me: i just wanted u to want the same things i wanted at the same time
Me: i know ur busy
Me: i'm just getting out whats in my head
Me: u can read it later
Beloved: ok...type away sweetie, lay it all out there
Beloved: I will reply to all of it
Me: theres no reply necessary
Me: i cant make u want what i want when i want it...it just hurts is all
Me: i'm in the rock & hard place
Me: when i feel in the beginning u did want to get married a lot sooner...u talked about me being ur wife all the time...then something changed, & i dont know what...cold feet maybe...wanting ur freedom...i dunno...but i am left still wanting it...not expecting u to do a 180
Me: so its almost shameful to talk to mom about it...cuz a year ago i told her about how we talked about getting married & having a baby & all that...she knows nothing of whats been going on for the last 6 months with you and i...so she's clueless...& i'm ashamed to tell her you've completely changed your mind and i havent & yet we're still together...she would think i was completely stupid
Me: so i just try to say as little about it as possible...or lie outright...but me saying little or nothing only makes her press more
Me: cuz u know how moms r
Me: at least my mom
Me: she's more persistent than u r
Me: so anyway...i'm just thinking about it all
Me: that & waking up late & raggin has left me crabby
Beloved: baby I'm so slammed...I'm so sorry your stressing like this...and it's wrong...
Beloved: I'll talk more in a bit
Me: i said...its ok
Beloved: no it's not ok...this requires discussion
Me: thats the b*tch...whats there to discuss?...u feel one way...i feel another...i dont see a middle ground on this one & thats whats so depressing
Beloved: I didn't know you put a time limit on it...and I see you suffering unfairly
Me: it was my own timeframe...not urs
Beloved: but it effects me as well as you
Me: it really only effects me...
Beloved: oh ok...so in a year when it's not what you want and you leave to go find what you want...you think it's only effecting you???
Me: well...i didnt think about it that way...all i know is u feel one way & i feel another...at this point i dont know what to do or not to do
Beloved: I see this...hmmmmm...give me a few
Beloved: I all of the sudden feel like some mean ass that has kept a beautiful bird in a cage. I feel like I should be letting you go rather than waste your time...and no matter how bad I will hurt or not want it...I feel like that is what you deserve...to go find what you want...I love you so much that all I want is for you to be happy and you aren't getting that from me...you may have temporary happiness...but I want you to have your long term happiness...
Me: i just want to cry
Beloved: so do I
Beloved: why do you want to...cause you believe that to be true?
Me: i dont know
Beloved: then why do you want to cry
Me: i cry because i'm sad
Me: that things with you changed
Beloved: as am I...
Me: & i dont know what they are
Beloved: I don't think they changed
Me: & it doesnt matter anyway
Me: it is what it is
Beloved: why
Me: the outcome/result is the same
Beloved: I love you uhave2bkidn...more than you will ever know...and I do think I will lose you one day over you needing something I'm not providing...
Beloved: and I could never hold that against you
Beloved: because you deserve so much
Me: i just want to die
Beloved: you feel like crying...I feel like dying

Later....

Beloved: ok well I am at a loss...can't figure it out
Me: maybe we need some time apart to figure it out
Beloved: I don't know if I wanted marriage and a baby and things inside me changed after going through that nightmare of a divorce and scared me away from it entirely...or if I didn't want it in the beginning and saw you did and wanted you so bad that I knew that was what I needed to tell you to keep you...and this is the first time you have mentioned time apart...how much time...when...how...I'm afraid to be without you
Me: so u dont know if u ever wanted them...why did you tell me u did?
Me: wait...it doesnt matter
Me: i need time to think
Beloved: what...no I do want them
Beloved: I want to be with you till I am no longer alive
Me: u r not making any sense
Beloved: I know
Me: 'I don't know if I wanted marriage and a baby'
Me: that is what u just wrote
Beloved: I want to be with you for the rest of my life...and I understand that is/will include marriage...do I know when?...no
Me: I know
Beloved: that is cause you had me wondering...and I love you so much that I know I would marry you and have a baby with you...I also know I can't right now...and on those subjects the time for you is now
Me: here is what i know: i do want those things...i want them with you...but i dont see any point in sticking around waiting for you to now 'grow into' the idea...its like ur waiting for your own self to talk u into it
Me: u cant right now...what makes u think u will 'eventually'...or in the future at all?
Beloved: because I know I can't be without you and know that if I spend the rest of my life with you that you deserve to be my wife
Beloved: back to my question...how much time apart are you talking about...and do you mean completely...like not talking or seeing each other...or just cutting way back???
Me: i need some time alone to think this out for myself
Beloved: ok how much time???
Me: i dont know...a week?
Me: however long it takes me to make a decision
Beloved: so you want me to go all the rest of this week without seeing or talking to you
Me: yes
Beloved: do I have anything at the apartment??
Me: I don't think so....some cake mix maybe
Me: & other sweets
Beloved: not worried about that stuff...ok so are you going to go out at all this week ??
Me: is that ur concern right now??
Me: r u serious?
Beloved: I had to ask...but no not my concern
Me: i'm telling you all of this...& u think what? i'm going out somewhere?
Me: unbelievable
Beloved: no baby
Beloved: ok...so let me also ask this...do you want this phone back now in case?
Me: no
Beloved: ok then....I love you and I'll talk to you next monday
Me: ok
Beloved: I'm logging out and not going to log in all week to resist the desire to talk to you

A minute later...

Beloved: logged back in to say I really don't want to be without you...but fully understand your side...I just hope that next monday you still want to be with me...oh well...I will talk to you then
Me: i dont think u understand
Me: but i'm going to figure out what is important to me & do what i think is best for me
Beloved: I do understand that
Me: ok
Beloved: ok...well I hope you figure out what you need too...and if come monday we are no longer together I will know it is what is best for you and that is all that is important...I do love you though baby...lots
Me: i love you too...what i dont think ur getting is that love is not enough
Me: but oh well
Beloved: and I can stay logged in and not talk to you...so I will be here if you need me or have questions...I do understand that love is not enough...and I am fully convinced that come monday you will want to go our seperate ways...so honestly whether I understand or not is really not relevant.
Beloved: ok, I'll leave you alone now

Wires

The video seems to have nothing to do with song or the lyrics, at least from my perspective. But I love the visual in my head that I have when I hear this song. It makes me think of Beloved and Lovely because she has medical issues that land her in the hospital from time to time.

Enjoy!

100

Since this is my 100th post I thought I should do something 'special' or noteworthy, but nothing noteworthy came to mind. Hey, it's the thought, right?

I really want to post about Princess and Lovely and this little 'problem' I have, but it's so bizarre I'm hesitant to tell even you.

It's about cooties.

Ok, really it's about lice. Beloved's children has them. Yes, that's right. They have them and have had them for the past 6 months or so. Off and on. Beloved gets rid of them when he has the girls, then he disinfects his house and sprays down everything w/ the lice spray and yet when they go back to Wicked's they get re-infected.

Yeah, it gives me the willies too. Makes my head itch just thinking about it.

Consequently I have not wanted to go over to Beloved's house to hang out or do laundry or do much of anything since this has been going on. Oh, and don't even think about bringing those little cootie-ridden ankle biters to my apartment. Nu uh!

Beloved knows how I feel and understands it, but doesn't know how to fix it.

Because...Wicked lives with her parents and the three girls. In a really small house. And based on the fact that Wicked wasn't much of a 'clean freak' when she and Beloved were married (Beloved said she was a pig and he did all the household chores) I cringe to think about how dirty the house is that the girls live in. Wicked's mother is very heavy and a smoker and has health problems and doesn't clean either. Now I know how lice is contracted and I know basic cleanliness is not the problem. But I also do know if you don't wash/spray EVERYTHING thoroughly when lice are found then they will continue to breed and re-infect everyone that they can sink their little fangs into. Did you know those little blood suckers can live 40-50 days???

EWWWWWWWW!

Wait, I'm itchin' now...all over. I gotta think about something else for a minute.

My issue is that I want to spend time with his children and get to know them and have them spend time with Cherished and I and so on and so forth.

Now how am I supposed to do that? When I know they're infected?

I'm an understanding person, but really...I put my foot down on hanging out with blood-sucking parasite ridden kids. And it's for completely selfish reasons, I assure you. I don't want cooties on Cherished or my person or in my apartment.

Still, I feel bad for Princess and Lovely. They know the reasons why I don't have them over at my apartment and why I don't snuggle next to them on the couch when they're at Beloved's. In fact I don't even sit on the couch at Beloved's. I imagine there must be an entire cootie colony living in those couch cushions.

The Reason Why

With the holiday upon me, I feel the need to reflect.

*Peers in mirror*

Yep, it's still me.

Whew!

Glad to get that out of the way.

*Glances at the mirror again*

Wait...

What's different?

*Pulls skin back tightly around left eye*

Am I going to need an eye lift by the time I'm forty?

No, thats not it.

*Leans closer to mirror*

It's the look in the eyes. Definitely different than a year ago.

*Bends head down*

Pluck! I need to color my hair. What's causing me to gray prematurely?

Life, girl. Deal with it.

Maybe it's me not dealing with it that is causing me to feel this way.

Ya think?

Raincheck

Lately I have been so tired I cannot even muster the strength to post. I go to bed tired, wake up tired and so on. I have not had a 'vacation' in I don't know how long and still I keep putting off taking a few days absence from work to re-energize. Don't give me shit when I tell you I'm saving my vacation days until when Beloved has his diverticulitis surgery so I will be there to nurse him back to health. I'm a giver, ok?

I have much to blog about but will put it off for another day. I think Beloved has to work at his second job tomorrow night so I will do my best to set aside that time to click away at the keyboard then.

Dad

Call me a big blubbering baby. Tell me to 'get over it', 'move on', 'grow up' or whatever. Last week as I set at my desk at work and told Mom on the phone that Dad had forgotten my birthday I cried hard. My face got blotchy, eyes swollen, the whole nine yards. I choked out the words and tried in vain to act like I wasn't crushed. But I was. He's my dad for Christ's sake! Yes, I know he was Las Vegas on one of his many gambling trips that he and his girlfriend take and that he 'simply forgot.'

I suppose it's just a reflection of our relationship as a whole.

I suppose it shouldn't surprise me or hurt the way it does. In spite of the fact that at this point in my life Dad and I are the closest we've ever been emotionally. But 'close' to me is a relative term. I am not a Daddy's girl.

My relationship with Dad is probably not that different from anyone else's. At least no one that I know. We're not particularly close but not emotionally distant either. By the time I was born Dad was thirty years old, married with now three children and running his own business. We were living in the town he'd grown up in which was an economically depressed area. He wanted to make money. He wanted to be successful. I'm sure he needed to show his father that the business he had purchased from him wouldn't flounder and fail under his ownership.

My dad was driven to make money. All of my earliest memories of him are of him working. One of my most vivid memories is me being small enough that I used to attach myself to one of his legs (wrapping my arms and legs around his calf and ankle) in an effort to make him to stay home. He would laugh and say he had to leave and then try to shake me loose. To me, he seemed to always be in some sort of state of working.

Dad wasn't a complete ogre. I also remember him coming to watch me cheer in elementary school or play softball for the fire department in the summer (the extent of my sports playing). But even those activities were tempered by his work schedule.

In the mid-eighties he moved his business to a nearby county and then moved our family to the same town a few years later. By that time my Mom got sick and their marriage began to deteriorate rapidly. He escaped to work even more. He had an affair with his secretary (whom he is still with).

All of his hard work did finally pay off. Dad retired at 50 years old (having sold the business to Queenie) and now 14 years later (due to his hard work and wise financial investments) he's enjoying the fruits of his labor. He takes frequent vacations and his house is free and clear. Still, I often wonder if he is really happy.

So on Father's Day I will try not to dwell on all the things he wasn't. Dad taught me many good things and for that I am grateful. Still, I am wishful to have the kind of father-daughter relationship that Beloved has with Princess and Lovely. The one where your dad seems to need you as much as you need him. The one where there is mutual respect. In my heart I am a Daddy's girl wanna be.

A First

'Bob' and I are going to give it a go on the 2nd job thing. It's not as steady of work as I'd would have liked but at least it's good money when it does happen and I don't have to claim it on taxes if I make under $600 a year from him. Not that I'm wanting to make less money but I'm just sayin'.

This weekend the family was supposed to gather at Queenie's house for Father's Day, but Meanie asked (ok, she just informed everyone invited) that because of FarrahHair's work schedule that it would be best to postpone the Father's Day get-together until sometime in early July. Of course the Fourth of July is early July but I'm assuming she means the weekend following that holiday. Whatever. I was actually relieved since I'm still hurt by my dad failing to call me on my birthday. I would have gone and put on the 'neutral' face of not caring one way or another, but now I don't even have to do that. Yippee!

So instead Beloved has invited me to spend Father's Day with him and the girls. I told Beloved that he needs to talk to Princess and Lovely first and listen to their opinions on the situation because after all, it is Father's Day. I'm in no hurry to shove myself down their little throats with 'getting to know each other' time. Beloved is their dad and I don't want to intrude on that. Cherished is spending Father's Day with Worthless Sunday, at his grandparents house so if I don't go with Beloved I will be spending Father's Day alone. Which I don't have a problem with. Ok, actually I would enjoy the alone time but I'll just keep that little tidbit between you and I.

Tonight Beloved is working his second job and won't be home until later this evening and Cherished is already at his grandparents house so I am chilling at home. Alone. And I know before I may have bitched about being alone on a Friday night, but now...well, I'm not even sure what time frame 'before' is referring to. Lately I have been 'not minding' the alone time. Even during the week while Cherished is gone at my mom's house and Beloved has been taking his girls to Vacation Bible School and I have found myself working out at the gym or chillin' in front of the TV, it has been rather peaceful. And quiet. And more tensionless.

Tensionless...is that a word?

Results

I have never done a 'bullet' post yet, but it seems to fit my mood and random thoughts today. But I don't know how to put bullets in my post, so I guess dashes will have to do.

-My.Birthday.Sucked. Ok, it didn't suck as bad as it could have, but still, it was lame. Maybe my expectations were too high.

-Beloved is officially divorced and yet I could take no pleasure from Wicked's obvious misery. Beloved said she cried through the whole hearing (which mercifully was only about 5 minutes).

-While sticking his head out the car window to spit, Cherished's glasses flew off and onto the interstate Sunday. Really. I couldn't make this up if I tried. All I could find of them was the bent frames and no lenses. That's another $300 that I don't have but will have to shit so my son can see.

-Saw Ocean's 13 yesterday. It was ok. Long winded, but at least better than Ocean's 12. Getting to look at Brad Pitt do anything on the Big Screen is always a plus.

-My dad did not call me on my birthday yesterday. It's funny how even though at 34 years old I still want to think that my birth was a big enough deal to my dad that he would at least call me and wish me happy birthday.

-Queenie and Meanie also forgot to call me, but I can forgive them. Beyotches!

-I want to go home now. I want a do-over.

Rock and a Poor Place

You know how I've been lamenting about my poorness and lack of 'the green' stuff lately and my search for a 2nd part-time job has yielded no results? Well, tonight an offer presented itself and I'm not sure how to proceed.

A person I work with on occasion (but doesn't work 'for' my company) called me at home. I'll call him Bob. Roused me from a sound sleep in a panic because he needed my help with his job that involved what I do for a living, which I ended up doing and making $100 for about 3 hours of my time. No, it wasn't illegal. No, it wasn't sexual. Without going into a lot of details about what I do for a living let me try to give you an example of my problem.

Imagine you are a bulldozer driver and you work for Diggers "R" Us. You work full-time and do your job very well. While working for Diggers "R" Us you get to know the Bob. Bob owns a construction company that could use an experienced bulldozer driver on occasion and would like to hire you. As in moonlighting. Bob doesn't want to try to hire you in any way, shape or form that would take hours away from your job at Diggers "R" Us, just a couple of times a week in the evenings when your shift with your employer is over. And you would not be using any of the bulldozers from your job, Bob would supply you with one of his. Bob knows and you know this would be considered a conflict of interest with your boss at Diggers "R" Us, but how much say-so do they have over how you spend your time after you leave work? And did I mention the money is really good?

What would you do? If you go to your boss and ask and they say no, and you do it anyway, you could be fired. If you don't go to your boss and they find out you're moonlighting you could be fired.

See the problem?

And I don't want to jeopardize Bob and his relationship with Diggers "R" Us. He doesn't either. When he called me tonight it was only because it was his last resort. If Diggers "R" Us thought he was trying to steal away their employees, they would stop using him. Bob also knows this. He doesn't want to rock the boat either. But I'm also charging less per hour than other bulldozer drivers so he has the potential to increase his own profit on every job that I do for him. It's a conundrum.

While analyzing my problem a particular phrase comes to mind...

'It's always easier to beg for forgiveness than to ask permission.'

Does that apply in this case?

Backwards

What is your greatest regret? Awww, come' on...everyone has one or two or a thousand. 'Fess up.

Mine would have to be college. Or, more specifically not going to college.

Oh sure, I could go back now but it's really not the same from what I hear. I mean I should have gone while I was still single, child-free and before my 'life' got started.

Looking back, I don't remember specifically why I didn't go after graduating. That summer I had spent in Europe with Meanie but we were back in the states by the fall, which was plenty of time to start. My mother had just got remarried to her 3rd husband (3rd husband, but 2nd man considering she married & divorced my dad twice) and I was uncomfortable living back at home with them. We got into it about something one day so I moved out & in with Dad. But Dad lived with his girlfriend and her 2 kids and even though we all got along fine, it was still too crowded. Finally after many months Meanie got a little singlewide in town and I moved in with her.

Still, I did not start college. I don't remember even being remotely interested in going. Probably because of not having money to pay for it. Now I know I could have gotten grants and student loans and all those wonderful debts, but really...what in the hell does a 19 year old know? Lemme tell ya...NADA. You couldn't tell me nothing at the time, about the importance of college and the impact it would have on my financial future.

Seems all I was concerned with at the time was getting a lame job and partying with my friends. Which of course now I realize I could have been doing while I went to school. But I didn't. And I think also in the back of my head I was rationalizing that I was going to get married soon and have someone else take care of me.

Yeah, stupid.

Where did I get this retarded idea? Certainly not my parents. Did I mention that they are both college graduates? Mom's got her freak'n Masters Degree. And yet not one of her children has went farther than high school. Oh sure, both Queenie and Meanie made attempts to go to college, but they both dropped out.

But I didn't even attempt to go. Instead I partied a year and half with my friends while working in a women's retail clothing store in the Mall. Remember the clothing stores called Jean Nicole? Marianne's? Stuarts? Yeah, I worked for them. And I liked the job and found I was good at it, but it paid nothing and demanded 45+ hours a week and I was only the assistant manager.

Still, even this didn't spur me on to see the bigger picture. All those corny cliche commercials are true: college grads do earn more. Now, I feel it's too late.

Regret. It's my own four-letter word.

Now

After Queenie left that night I went inside and contemplated going to bed, but I knew sleep wouldn't come anytime soon. So I sat on the couch and thought. About not only the night's events but the entire relationship for the last year and a half.

Dating a married man is not for the faint of heart and not something I would recommend to anyone. But you don't always have the say-so in who you fall in love with. I'd watched my parents marriage finally fail due to infidelity and swore I'd never do that, and look where I was now. The man who'd cheated on his wife had now cheated on his girlfriend. Dr. Phil has said that the best way to gauge future behavior was look at past behavior. Was Beloved just a skirt chaser? Was this a flaw in his character that was a part of who he was, or was this just a lapse in judgment? I didn't know.

And what about what he'd said about not meeting any of the women he chatted with? Was that true or also a lie? My gut said it was true. Of course, nothing at that point was for certain. I just knew that my heart was breaking but in some way I deserved it. I imagined how Wicked felt when she realized what was going on between Beloved and myself. I wondered what kind of lies she told herself to make it less painful. What kind of lies he had told to appease her.

It was nearly four in the morning when my phone rang. Beloved had walked the two miles back up the street to the nearest payphone.

I need to talk to you. Can I come over?

Right at that moment I just wanted to slip in a coma and die, but the initial shock had worn off and I said yes. I met him on back out on the front steps of my apartment building. We talked for the next hour. About everything. Mostly he talked and I listened. I found I had very little to say.

Beloved stayed the night, lying next to me in bed. He initiated sex and I complied. Our first and only sympathy fuck. It was awful. I knew I could have turned him down and he would have simply fallen asleep spooning me. But nothing is ever that simple. If we were going to try to work things out then sex seemed a good place to start. We were always good together that way. And I felt that I had invested too much in the relationship to let it go so quickly, no matter what had happened. I'd moved 40 miles from my hometown to be near Beloved. Had up-rooted Cherished from another school for the upteenth time. I just couldn't bring myself to kick him to curb just yet.

The next morning I made up a lie about being sick and puking all night to Cherished, and ran him over to Queenie's house so she could take him to my nephew's birthday party that was still scheduled for later that day. I was exhausted emotionally and didn't feel like I could fake everything being ok. Beloved probably could have but I didn't have the initiative. Beloved had to run to his house the next morning to meet with his dad, and after he returned to the apartment went back to bed thinking that when I came back I would crawl in next to him. I had told him I would, but when I returned to the apartment the coffee started to kick in so I sat on the couch and watched TV. Around noon he awoke and joined me.

I told him if we were going to try to work this out that he would need to accept things were never going to be the same between us. Maybe we'd come out stronger for it, maybe not, but regardless my love had changed. I wasn't going to withhold love from him or build walls or do the things he expected me to (like revenge cheating), but I needed time to heal. I would need time to tell me if this relationship was salvageable. Only time would be able to do that.

We've spoken of the texting episode since then many times. He has admitted he really has no reason for why he did it. He doesn't know, or if he does he doesn't say. He did say it had absolutely nothing to do with me, as in how I treated him, my appearance, or our sex life. I'm not entirely sure I believe that, either. Do people really stray who are happy with their partner? I think of the movie Fatal Attraction, and Michael Douglas's character seems to say so. He had a beautiful wife and family and when given the opportunity fucked Glenn Close's character silly for a weekend, seemingly because he could.

Makes me wonder. Makes me question everything about relationships and whether or not you are meant to find someone you can spend the rest of your life with and be happy. Is monogamy a myth? Are we meant to be with one person or many? How do you know when you've found 'the one'? Is there just one?

Aftermath

The texts messages that night went like this:

Beloved: i am sorry & i will never love anyone like i love you
Me: why would u betray me this way? i will never understand. u don't do that to someone u love
Beloved: i am a fool & soon it won't matter
Me: i loved u with all i had & i thought u loved me the same way
Beloved: i blame no one but me. for the record my heart never has & never will betray you. i know you will never understand that
Me: u only have urself to blame
Beloved: like i said you will never understand that

Then a few minutes later:

Beloved: even if i don't have you, you will always have my heart and soul
Me: how can u say that now when we both know u have been lying 2 me about this girl? is that not betrayal?
Beloved: maybe in the next life i'll be smarter till then i'll live like the piece of shit i am
Me: i don't want to hear anymore of ur lies
Beloved: that wasn't a lie
Me: everything u have ever said 2 me was a lie
Beloved: no it isn't. but you will feel that way no matter what i say. so i'm sorry. at least i get to take some of the best & happiest memories i have with me


Then a few more minutes later:

Beloved: we're over aren't we?
Me: yes we are
Beloved: well i'm sorry to hear that cause regardless i thought what we have is special. oh well too late now. i want to fight to keep you but can't as i have no right to
Me: so special u were texting another girl & lying 2 me about it
Beloved: i feel like we are not supposed to let us end? but you're right it will never work i guess so i'm sorry a million times over

As soon as I finished reading the last text Queenie arrived. I asked her to stay here while I took all of Beloved's stuff to his house. She didn't say anything about what was going on...it was pretty apparent what was happening. I texted Beloved to let him know I was on my way. He wasn't happy about it, saying in a text I shouldn't be coming over now ( I'm assuming he meant coming there in anger). All I knew is that I wanted his stuff gone. As in yesterday.

For some reason I drove Queenie's car over. Beloved wasn't expecting to see me in her car and seemed even more unhappy that I had called her and that she knew what he had done. He was even more surprised when I starting unpacking all of his belongings. Hell hath no fury, right? At least I hadn't burned them and was delivering the smoldering ashes. In break-ups I like to be adult about it. I don't want to hear how I was the 'crazy bitch' who burnt all of Beloved's things even when I had every right to do exactly that. Because, I am not a bitch nor crazy. And besides, I hate to drag out 'the break-up'. Misunderstood and I did that when we broke up and it was awful. Quick and clean was my new break-up mantra.

He didn't say anything but silently we emptied the car onto his porch. Again, I was calm and relatively drama free. No tears and no more questions. After I placed the last box on the porch I handed him his house keys that he had given me and asked for my phone and my keys (I had given him the extra set of house keys and keys to my car). Again he seemed stunned and dazed. He said he needed to get the phone numbers off the phone before giving it to me. I had no desire to wait around while he copied down phone numbers and told him so, but he insisted that it would take no longer than a few minutes. Reluctantly I followed him inside and watched him in silence sit at his kitchen table and scribble down 20 or so phone numbers. I got impatient after about a minute and said I would just email him the numbers later and that I wanted to leave. Again he said to wait, he was almost done.

After what seemed like an eternity he flipped the phone shut and handed it to me. Without a word I turned to leave. I will never understand what he called out to me or why. 'Have a nice life.'

I didn't bother to respond and slammed his front door shut behind me. But by the time I was getting ready to back out of his driveway Beloved had ran out to the car and stood by the driver's side window. Maybe because I am a glutton for punishment or actually thought he may have something of substance to say to me at that point I rolled down the window.

We shouldn't end things this way because I love you and I know you still love me.

This was true. This was exactly how I felt at that moment. I started to cry again. Yes I still love you and why did you do this to me? To us?

Then I left.

Queenie was waiting patiently for me back at the apartment and we went out to sit on the front step of my building and smoke while I brought her up to speed. She asked me if there had been signs of the cheating, etc. She was very non-judgmental about the whole thing and I loved her at that moment more than I can convey here. She just was worried about me and how I was coping. No 'I told you so's' or 'You're better off without him' or the ever popular 'I knew he was no good the moment I met him'. Just concern for me. Refreshing.

We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Program...

Last night as Beloved and I lay in bed in a deep, sound sleep and I dreamt a bizarre dream with Nick Lachey and a strangely obese house cat I suddenly felt something scurry across my forehead.

Something small and furry.Scurry.Across.My.Forehead.

Do I really need to describe how quickly I became awake and jumped from the bed like I was on fire? How I ran over and turned on the light and then Beloved jumped up wanting to know what the hell was happening?

Something just crawled across my forehead. As in, I think a mouse.

Beloved looks over at the bed and crumpled pile of sheets and blankets. Are you sure?

I don't have my contacts in so I'm as blind as a bat, but I know what I felt. I nod. Go see.

We both look toward the bed just as Tibbey, Cherished's hamster crawls from the mountain of covers and looks at us innocently. WTF?

Beloved and I look at each other for a second then bust out in laughter that almost brings us to our knees. After I walk over and scoop Tibbey up and place him back in his cage (which I re-secured with a twisty-tie) we both decide we need a cigarette to calm our nerves.

I thought I heard the cage door open at around midnight, but I was just falling asleep and thought I must be dreaming. Then later I felt something scratch my arm in bed and I thought it was you!

I giggle again and noting it's after two in the morning. You mean he's been out of his cage for over 2 hours? I wonder what in the hell made him wanna crawl in bed with us?

Maybe he had a bad dream?

I Told You So Continues....

This is continued from yesterday's post...

Before Beloved left he managed to tell me he'd only texted Kara and spoke to her on the phone, but had never met her. This had been going on for a week. He'd met her online he said, in some chat room while he was at work. He also admitted he had been visiting chat rooms for months.

Just when I thought I couldn't become more surprised or amazed at the person I loved and thought I knew standing in front of me - BAM! Since he had no Internet connection at home, he had made the time to go check out some chat rooms at work. Everyday at work we both log into Yahoo messenger and chat away to each other all day long. In my head I imagined my message box on his computer screen along with 2 or 3 boxes at the same time as he chatted away with other women as well as myself.

I asked him why he had felt the need to go to chat rooms to begin with. Why? It seemed like a simple question. He said that he had been looking for another girl for a threesome for us.

Wait. Did you catch that? I'll let it sink in. Yes, that is really what he told me. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

It's no secret we're both pretty open sexually and getting with another girl has been something I have always wanted to do. But here's what you didn't know: remember Beloved's diverticulitis? How he stayed in the hospital for an entire week and how tender and sore his stomach was afterward? And how at that point in our relationship we hadn't had sex in an ENTIRE MONTH? Yeah, I thought you had forgotten.

Well, I hadn't. When he told me that bullshit about a threesome I just looked at him and said something to the effect of 'ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?'

I guess I could have handled it better if he'd said he was bored with me. Or bored with our sex life. Or he just didn't find me attractive anymore. Or, more accurately, that he was just a whoring skirt chaser. But please don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining.

Here's another gem you didn't know that also plays into this story. Nearly a year ago I added Beloved on my Verizon plan as a second line and he's paid me each month for his share of the bill. By doing this it also allows me to see every phone number he calls and every text he sends/receives (I have online billing, and no, he doesn't have access to it). We did this because at the time we were calling/texting each other constantly and it was getting expensive considering we had 2 different cell phone plans/companies.

So as I sat there on the couch I figured I'd use I-can-access-all-your-call/text history-so-I'll-be-able-see-everything card now and I asked Beloved if Kara had been the only one he'd ever called or texted from the chat rooms. I told him he'd better come clean now because I was ordering a transcript of the text messages from Verizon tomorrow and I'd know exactly how many women and what was said.

He admitted then and there that there had been others. He had called or texted them as well but never met them in person, either. That every time they'd pushed to meet he had chickened out. So much for the threesome lie, huh? When he told me that, it was obvious to me none of these girls were propositioned for a threesome. The reality was he was merely dating online.

Did I believe him when he said he never met them? No, I do not. But more on that later..

For the time being, I was done talking. I told him to leave.

When Beloved left that night he had to walk two miles home. Why? A few weeks before he had wrecked his truck and while the insurance company was dicking around he still had no vehicle. He had been riding to work with his best friend and since I work only 2 miles from him, I had been picking him up from there when his best friend couldn't, or he had borrowed his mom's car when she was out of town. Since we were planning to drive together to my nephew's birthday party Saturday I had picked him up from his house after work that night and brought him to my apartment, hence him having no vehicle. Of course, in light of our little conversation I sure as hell wasn't worried about his transportation home at nearly midnight when he left. Fuck him. If he had to walk I didn't care.

After he left I remember sitting there on the couch trying to make sense of what just happened. My thought process went something like this: Had I not been a good enough girlfriend? What had I done to make him stray? Wasn't I pretty enough? Good enough in bed? Was Wicked somewhere laughing her ass off saying , 'I TOLD YOU SO!' Pretty pathetic thoughts, I know. When I should have chucked his sorry ass to the curb for his poor judgment, I was blaming myself for something that wasn't even my problem.

I had my pity party for all of about 5 minutes then I went into action.

Beloved and I were practically living together up to that point. He was only staying at his house when he had his girls so the majority of his clothes were hanging in my closet and occupying space in two of my dresser drawers (did I mention I had been doing his laundry, too?). All his shoes were here, plus a bunch of toiletry items in the bathroom. He had brought over his collection of baseball cards (well over a thousand of them in various boxes) and we had started to sort them out in the past several months.

Like a mad woman I grabbed an empty cardboard box and started packing everything. On my bathroom mirror Beloved had written me love notes (like 'I love you' and 'You're my everything' and 'I'm lost without you') on Post-Its that I had collected and stuck there. There were probably 25 of them or more. I didn't tear them up but plucked each one off the mirror with a vehement zeal and stuck them in the box. I did the same thing with birthday/anniversary cards at my night stand, pictures of the two of us and the like.

Yes, I felt like the Grinch. The Grinch who Stole and Boxed Up this Relationship.

When the box got too heavy I grabbed two garbage bags and stuffed them full as well. In between this I called Queenie and woke her from what sounded like a sound sleep (it was almost one in the morning by then) and through my crying told her she needed to get here now. She never hesitated or questioned, she just got in her car and drove.

Told You

I never believed it when people said they had 'no idea' their significant other was having an affair. I mean, really...the woman always know, right?

Well, I didn't. I would have more believed Beloved was snorting coke or free-basing heroin than to believe he was messing around. When would he have found the time?

Were there signs? Signs that I suspected him of cheating? I didn't see any signs. Probably because I wasn't looking for any. I tend to become suspicious and alert when things start to go downhill. But I'll get to that.

The shit hit the fan in late March. It happened on a Friday night, after we had went to bed. He was exhausted and feel asleep right away. I couldn't sleep, tossing and turning because I wasn't tired until I finally got up and went out into the living room. I thought I'd turn on my laptop and play some Hearts on Yahoo (which would make me tired) but when I went to plug it up to the wall outlet I had to unplug Beloved's phone (it was re-charging) to make room.

Looking back, I don't remember exactly why I flipped open his phone. Curiosity? Was my subconscious beckoning me to do it? I dunno. When I did I saw he had an unopened text message from someone named Kara.

Immediately 2 things hit me. I didn't know of any Kara, and he had never mentioned a person by that name to me. Second, he knew this person well enough to program her name and number into his phone.

My hands began to shake and my stomach did a flip-flop. I opened the message. I don't remember exactly what was said, but the text was flirty and it was obvious this wasn't the first message she'd sent. After opening the rest of his text messages for that day I saw that this was the 3rd message she'd sent him that evening. I recalled his phone going off while we were sitting there watching TV before we went to bed and Beloved had flipped it open and said it was his best friend texting him. He said he'd text him back in the morning. And I'd believed him, having no other reason not to.

So now I sat there realizing I had just won the world's biggest fool award by a unanimous vote. Yet, I had no flowers or crown to show for it.

The following day Beloved, Cherished and I were supposed to go out to Meanie's house to celebrate my nephew's 7th birthday. This was the first weekend in months that Beloved didn't have to work on his remodel of his house and he didn't have his girls and we were all excited just to be able to go and relax and play some cards with my family. Sitting there I weighed my options. If I confronted him now I knew our weekend plans would be shot to hell and I would have to face my family and explain Beloved's absence. Or I could let it go until Sunday.

Who was I kidding? There was no way I could wait until Sunday.

I walked into my bedroom where Beloved was sleeping and flipped on the light. Beloved sat up like he'd been shot. I stood near the door and nonchalantly tossed him his phone. "Who's Kara?"

Beloved was still trying to wake up but it only took a few seconds for him to realize the gig was up and he'd better come up with some explanation. And quickly.

Again, I don't remember exactly what he said. Something about her just being a 'friend'. In fact, the next few minutes were a blur. I said I didn't believe him, wanted to know how long it had been going on...you know, the usual. Beloved had gotten up and started to dress. We came out into the living room and eventually I had asked him to leave, when it became obvious to me just exactly what had been going on. He had actually said very little. He knew that I knew and there wasn't anything he could say.

I had cried alittle as he dressed, but for the most part had kept my composure. I was in shock. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. I couldn't believe I hadn't seen this coming from 50 miles away.

But I hadn't.

Obviously

Projecting:

• "Projection is the opposite defence mechanism to identification. We project our own unpleasant feelings onto someone else and blame them for having thoughts that we really have."
• "A defense mechanism in which the individual attributes to other people impulses and traits that he himself has but cannot accept. It is especially likely to occur when the person lacks insight into his own impulses and traits."
• "Attributing one's own undesirable traits to other people or agencies."
• "The individual perceives in others the motive he denies having himself. Thus the cheat is sure that everyone else is dishonest."
• "A man harboring attractions for a woman would perceive other men as having the same attractions for her."
• "People attribute their own undesirable traits onto others. An individual who unconsciously harbours his or her aggressive/sexual tendencies may then imagine other people acting in an excessively aggressive or sexual way."
• "An individual who possesses malicious characteristics, but who is unwilling to perceive himself as an antagonist, convinces himself that his opponent feels and would act the same way."

I've always worried it would be me who cheated on Beloved. Subconsciously I assumed I would do it to him before he did it to me. It wouldn't even have to be a physical affair. It could be an emotional one. I was just sure I would be the first to do it.

I was wrong.

Spiral

First of all, I have been trying to write a post for over a week. I've been super busy at work and manage (through the day in snippets here and there) to read everyone else's blogs yet don't have the time to write in my own.

My job has been getting in the way of my blogging and it's tap dancing all over my last nerve. Yeah, I know I shouldn't complain because my office environment and co-workers are pretty laid back. I earn every red cent of my pay, but I definitely have some nice little perks. Take for instance the fact that I drive Cherished to school every morning (to save a little money by not having his babysitter do it) which means I am 15 minutes late to work. Every weekday. My boss ok'ed me to do it, so I've done just that for the last year and a half. I also get to bring my lap top to work with me and can serf the Internet at my leisure as long as my work is completed. It's my own laptop using my own broadband access card which I pay for, so I get to go to whatever website I want. Download porn? Download song illegally? Play Hearts on Yahoo? Check, check and check!

What I have been unable to do because work is really making me work is write out a coherent post. Yeah, I could do it at home like normal people, but I am not 'normal' and more importantly the evenings are when I spend time with Cherished and Beloved. Most importantly since I tend to write about the angst in mine and Beloved's relationship I cannot write in the evening because he's here with me and doesn't know about this blog. Wait...he knows about it, but doesn't know my blog address so he can't read it. And I want to keep it that way. So I can't write while he's here. Unless he's not here, like tonight. Finally Cherished is in bed and Beloved's out running errands and doing all the stuff he doesn't have time to do during 'normal business hours' and I have more than 15 minutes to gather my thoughts. It's bliss I say.

As last posted I am fearing the end is near in our relationship and it basically boils down to I'm a big wuss. I don't feel the need to elaborate. I'm a big enough person to admit I'm a clucking chicken-human hybrid but not big enough to do anything about it.

Beloved's final divorce hearing (where he says everything is actually finalized, done, finished, etc.) is June 11th. Wanna hear something ironic? That date is my birthday. And who said Karma doesn't have a sense of humor? When he told me of the date I was not pleased. On the contrary I was down-right pissed. What I foresee happening is something else coming up at the aforementioned hearing and the final decree is yet again postponed or re-scheduled or some other bullshit like that. And the last thing I want to be thinking about is Beloved's divorce on my damn birthday. I want to be feeling worshipped and adored on the date of my birth. Not hearing about details of the day he spent with Wicked. No siree.

My up-coming birthday has me all up in arms anyway. I'll be 34. That I'm ok with. It's how Beloved is going to acknowledge my birthday that has me squirming. We're both still dirt poor right now and I know he doesn't have much money for a gift. Not the kind of gift that comes in small velvet boxes that contain sparkly things (my favorite kind of gift!). Still, being poor myself I know there are a million other ways you can give a gift that cost practically nothing. But you have to have taken the time to think about it and plan it and then execute the plan. With all that Beloved has going on now, I'm afraid in his mind my birthday has been put on the back burner. And as much as I'd like to be 'the bigger person', I find myself constantly being the bigger person about many things and quite frankly I'm sick of it. I want him to impress me. I want to be shown how inventive he is at this sort of thing. Most importantly I want to stop thinking I am sitting myself up for one big disappointment.

In other news Cherished had his 5th grade graduation ceremony a few days ago and it was a huge event at his school. Yes, you read that correctly. 5th grade graduation. Evidently in the past 20 years the school system has changed and I missed that memo. When I was in school you had elementary school (grades kindergarten through 6th), then junior high (7th and 8th grade) and high school (Freshman through Senior years). The only graduation ceremony we ever had was when we graduated high school. You know, in the 12th grade! Somewhere, somehow the whole thing changed. Now there is Primary school (kindergarten through 1st or 2nd grade), elementary school (or Middle School as they now refer to it) which are grades 3rd through 5th, junior high which is 6th through 8th and then high school. WTF? Why the change? Like I said, I missed the memo. In Cherished's particular school the highest grade they teach to is 5th, but I still don't understand the ceremony part of it. Thankfully cap and gowns were not required nor worn. But still Mom, Queenie, Pious, Righteous and myself had to sit for two and a half hours in uncomfortable seats to watch 93 5th graders get a diploma. Retarded is the only word that came to mind whilst sitting there. Cherished had requested Worthless to be in attendance, which I passed along to Pious and Righteous but only the two of them showed up and no explanation was offered. I could tell Cherished was disappointed, but said nothing. I should have asked Misunderstood to attend because I knew he would have came, but I forgot. I am a terrible Mom sometimes.

I still have not found a 2nd job. I've put applications in everywhere and not one call back. I suspect it's due to my limited availability on hours, but there's nothing I can do about that. Still, I'm stressing. I need the extra money.

Due to my limited funds Cherished and I will be doing nothing and going nowhere over the holiday weekend. Gas prices are $3.50 a gallon here and I can't afford to pay attention so please have a beer and burger for me at whatever BBQ you are attending. Just hold the ketchup and mustard.

Da na...Da na...Da na

I have been having disturbing dreams lately. Ok, lately isn't exactly the correct word. For the last 6 months or so I've been having dreams that could be categorized as nightmares. They would wake me up in the middle of the night or early morning and would bother me the rest of the day.

My dreams involved sharks. They would appear in situations that made no sense. I don't remember in all of the dreams if the dream took place in the water, but eventually I would end up in the water they would appear. They wouldn't eat me, but would circle. Or I would catch a glimpse of them in the distance, just a part of their body like a tail or dorsal fin or the sleek torpedo body slowly swaying in the water. As soon as my brain registered their presence I would become anxious. Their appearance represented something to me, but I didn't know what.

A few weeks ago I was telling a co-worker about my dreams and he got online to some dream interpretation website and found the following:

SHARKS : Sharks can often symbolise resentments and bad feelings which are building up in our minds. They refer to bad moods and a sense that trouble is about to happen. They can also link to risk in general and emotional doubts and worries.

And...

Water in dreams links to the unconscious mind. Anything within that water will therefor link to your feelings and intuitions in some way. Sharks will tend to symbolise fears and worries. They will symbolise resentments building up within you and others. If the shark bites then those resentments maybe shown. Sharks can symbolise dangerous and unknown territory. It may show that you feel something involves great danger and risk. Sharks may link to very strong emotional doubts and worries.

Hmmmm.....

Wear Sunscreen

I do not have many close friends that aren't also relatives. Smelly is one of my oldest and dearest friends. We met the summer before our freshman year of high school. When we found out our birthdays are just 3 days apart, we said it was fate...meant to be. We quickly became best friends. Buz Luhrmann really hit the nail on the head:

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Smelly knows me. Really knows me, far better than most people and I'm ok with that. It's comforting that even after all these years (21 to be exact) we can sit and talk and be really honest with each about our lives. About our troubles and triumphs and all the stuff in between.

Not everyone has that. But everyone should.

The # 8

First of all I do believe I previously mentioned that I am a redneck with a pinch of white trash. I just wanted to remind y'all of that fact before I also admit that I am a huge Nascar fan. No, I haven't been a fan for more than a few years and I barely understand the points system regarding the sport, but I have faithfully watched every race for the last 2 and a half years. Queenie started watching and she sucked me in as well.

If my post title didn't tell you, my driver is Dale Earnhardt Jr. No, I didn't watch the sport when his dad was alive, but from what I know of Dale Sr. he was one of the all-time greatest drivers. And besides, Junior is cute and completely unpretentious. Queenie is partial to Jimmie Johnson, FarrahHair's driver is Tony Stewart, and Meanie roots for Jeff Gordon. Needless to say when we all get together and watch a race, it can get pretty heated.

Today Junior announced he will be leaving Dale Earnhardt Inc. (the company who owns his car that was started by his dad) at the end of this season. For Nascar fans, whether Junior was your driver or not, this was a big shocker. Junior has wanted 51% ownership in his father's company and his step-mom Teresa won't give it to him so he left. Ok, I'm giving the short, short short version of the story, but that's the gist of it. You can read all about it on any of the sports websites if you're interested. Exciting stuff. It's Nascar's version of a soap opera.

Personally, I don't care where Junior goes as far as the team he races for or what his number will be (won't be the number 8, DEI owns that one) I will still watch him and root for him. I mean did I mention how cute I think he is???

Exhale

I survived another end of the month at my job.

Applause please.

Yah me!

Actually this month wasn't too bad. But I am having a hard time finding a moment just to sit down and collect my thoughts, iron them out and write them down. Tonight Beloved has his girls for his weekly overnight and now it's 11:00pm and this is the first opportunity I've found to breathe.

*Inhales*

I thought by this time Beloved would be divorced and we would be moved in together. Instead, today I signed another year on the lease for my apartment.

A year ago he told me he wanted to get married and have a baby together. Now he's unsure. Now he wants to wait and get his life in order before taking those huge steps.

I believed for a long time I never wanted to get remarried or have any more kids. Then I found him and he said he wanted those things so I started to want those things. How do I undo that?

Oh, I got a new phone. My co-worker gave showed me this website where you can download cool songs for free. Yeah, FREE. Cool songs. Weird songs. Funny stuff. This is the first time I have ever downloaded a ringtone to my phone. I know, I am a geek.

Meanie pissed me off recently. I told her something in confidence, telling her specifically not to tell our mother and the very next day she blabs her mouth to her anyway. I called her out on it the next day and she didn't even act sorry. In fact, she hung up on me. Aarrgggghhhh!

Cherished wants to transfer to the middle school where Princess will be going in the fall and I can't let him do it because there will be no bus service to bring him home in the afternoon. I am heartbroken and torn because I would like them to go to the same school. But we live outside the district and I can't go and pick him up in the middle of the afternoon to take him to a babysitter. He turns 12 this year and I wanted to save money on having to pay a babysitter at all and just let him come home and be alone for a few hours before I got home from work. The entire situation just sucks all around.

Queenie got to talk to her two boys Geeky and Squeaky the other day on the phone and they were hateful and mean to her. She's going back to court anyway (again) to try to salvage the relationship as best she can. Geeky graduates high school in June and has already joined the Navy. I don't understand Queenie's actions by I respect them just the same. This is going to be another emotional roller coaster for her.

Worthless is out of jail. According to Susan, my Child Support Enforcement case worker, he has the month of May to make child support payments to me or he's going to be indicted in front of the grand jury by the first of June. I struggled with what to do with this tidbit of information for days. Finally I told his parents (because I knew he wouldn't want to talk to me if I tried to call him directly) knowing that they would tell him. No, I do not want to see Worthless rot in jail for months and months. I figured if I gave him a 'heads up' it might motivate him. Pious (Worthless's mother) said something in this phone conversation that pissed me off to no end. She says it will be hard for Worthless to make any payment this month since he just got out of jail and this rain makes his landscaping job even more unreliable for a paycheck and if I'd just accept less in a child support payment (as in, get the monthly amount lowered) then he could afford to pay it at all. Whoa. The child support amount has not changed in EIGHT YEARS. No increases of any kind. I pointed out to her if that's the case, then instead of asking me to accept less money, why don't we ask Worthless to get another FUCKING JOB. And her reply? 'Well, you know he won't do that.' Ok, then he and his pride will rot in jail. Worthless bastard. I don't know what pisses me off more: him not paying, or Pious making excuses for him.

On a lighter note, one of the all-time funniest posts from one of my favorite bloggers, Mist 1 is posted here. I read her blog daily and would post a comment, save for the fact she has a large fan base and at least 60 comments for each post, and I figure she stops reading the comments after the first 10.

Ok, I feel better now.

*Exhales*

The Question

People make mistakes.

Ok, more specifically Beloved made a mistake. My question is, how can you tell when the mistake is a one-time transgression or a major flaw in their character?

Do you look at past history? At their childhood? At their current situation?

'Why?' I asked point blank. Trying to understand something that completely made no sense to me.

'I don't know.' Such a simple reply. Some say it's a cop-out, and I respect that view. But what if you really don't know?

Was it a brain fart?

A one-time lapse in judgment?

Or a glimpse of one's true character (or character flaw, depending on how you look at it)?

I wonder...

Homestead

Did I mention this is my first apartment? I've lived in a single mobile home, a few doublewides and 'stick-built' homes, but this is my first apartment.

I like my little apartment. She's not bad. She's small, but she's clean and in a good neighborhood. And I have nice neighbors. No one is loud or obnoxious. Everyone I've met so far is courteous and friendly. Not that I'm overtly friendly with the neighbors, but you know what I mean. I find it encouraging they must think the same thing about me because none of them has yet to ask me to be quieter when I'm having sex. I think that is a good sign.

When something breaks my apartment I get to call in Maintenance Dude to fix it. He is also very nice. He is the grandfatherly type who has the patience of a saint. It shows when he has to explain to me that the commode is not broken and will stop running if I just jiggle the handle. I almost expect him to pat me on the head and tell me it's going to be alright. Strangely, I would not find that offensive.

What I don't like about my apartment is I have no yard. No ground to plant stuff in and watch them grow. Stuff like flowers and bushes and flowers and bulbs and did I mention flowers?

Do not confuse stuff with grass.

I.DO.NOT.MISS.MOWING.

My last home sat on 2 1/2 acres of heavily wooded ground. Mowing was still a hassle because of all the trees I had to maneuver around and the weed-eating was a biotch (weed-eating...is that a word? Trimming, perhaps?). The house before that sat on 5 acres and I mowed every inch of it as well. Mowing was a chore. A tedious, hot and boring chore. Something I had to make sure got done because Misunderstood was too lazy to do it. He was too lazy for a lot of household chores, but that's a topic for an entirely different post.

Beloved's house sits on about half an acre. His yard slopes slightly down hill and only has about 3 mature trees on it. It takes him a few hours to mow and weed-eat (ahh...I mean trim).

For him, it's 3 hours of heaven.

He likes to mow. I do not understand this.

He says when he's on the mower he's a 'free' man. Unreachable is the word he uses. He can't hear to answer his cell phone (even if it's on vibrate he doesn't feel it in his pocket). He also takes great pride in the way his yard looks. Apparently all that evenly cut grass is soothing to him.

When I think about combining the words mowing and soothing into the same sentence it makes me cock my head to the side and give the same look dogs do when they hear a high-pitched noise.

I used to semi-enjoy mowing when I was a teenager and Mom brought our first riding lawn mower. I could pop on my headphones and jam to the music from my Walkman while working on my tan (the kind of hillbilly tan you get from mowing: tops of the shoulders, the back and thighs got burnt and maybe if you're really lucky also your forehead). I didn't have any worries then. Not real ones.

Back then, mowing was my meditation (without the candles and incense). Going around and around in circles that got smaller and smaller. I could damn nearly put myself into a trance. I didn't have to think. I didn't have to do anything but steer and avoid the occasional sinkhole.

If life were only that simple now.

Dead On Peeing my Pants Laughing

Stolen from Trueself...

Normally when I take these things I find them too general and ambiguous to be considered interesting. However this time I was very surprised at my own results...

uhavegot2bkidn took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Seeks an affectionate relationship, offering fulfi..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Also...on a lighter note....make sure your volume is up!

http://sjl.funnyordie.com/v1/view_video.php?viewkey=3efbc24c7d2583be6925