Spiral

First of all, I have been trying to write a post for over a week. I've been super busy at work and manage (through the day in snippets here and there) to read everyone else's blogs yet don't have the time to write in my own.

My job has been getting in the way of my blogging and it's tap dancing all over my last nerve. Yeah, I know I shouldn't complain because my office environment and co-workers are pretty laid back. I earn every red cent of my pay, but I definitely have some nice little perks. Take for instance the fact that I drive Cherished to school every morning (to save a little money by not having his babysitter do it) which means I am 15 minutes late to work. Every weekday. My boss ok'ed me to do it, so I've done just that for the last year and a half. I also get to bring my lap top to work with me and can serf the Internet at my leisure as long as my work is completed. It's my own laptop using my own broadband access card which I pay for, so I get to go to whatever website I want. Download porn? Download song illegally? Play Hearts on Yahoo? Check, check and check!

What I have been unable to do because work is really making me work is write out a coherent post. Yeah, I could do it at home like normal people, but I am not 'normal' and more importantly the evenings are when I spend time with Cherished and Beloved. Most importantly since I tend to write about the angst in mine and Beloved's relationship I cannot write in the evening because he's here with me and doesn't know about this blog. Wait...he knows about it, but doesn't know my blog address so he can't read it. And I want to keep it that way. So I can't write while he's here. Unless he's not here, like tonight. Finally Cherished is in bed and Beloved's out running errands and doing all the stuff he doesn't have time to do during 'normal business hours' and I have more than 15 minutes to gather my thoughts. It's bliss I say.

As last posted I am fearing the end is near in our relationship and it basically boils down to I'm a big wuss. I don't feel the need to elaborate. I'm a big enough person to admit I'm a clucking chicken-human hybrid but not big enough to do anything about it.

Beloved's final divorce hearing (where he says everything is actually finalized, done, finished, etc.) is June 11th. Wanna hear something ironic? That date is my birthday. And who said Karma doesn't have a sense of humor? When he told me of the date I was not pleased. On the contrary I was down-right pissed. What I foresee happening is something else coming up at the aforementioned hearing and the final decree is yet again postponed or re-scheduled or some other bullshit like that. And the last thing I want to be thinking about is Beloved's divorce on my damn birthday. I want to be feeling worshipped and adored on the date of my birth. Not hearing about details of the day he spent with Wicked. No siree.

My up-coming birthday has me all up in arms anyway. I'll be 34. That I'm ok with. It's how Beloved is going to acknowledge my birthday that has me squirming. We're both still dirt poor right now and I know he doesn't have much money for a gift. Not the kind of gift that comes in small velvet boxes that contain sparkly things (my favorite kind of gift!). Still, being poor myself I know there are a million other ways you can give a gift that cost practically nothing. But you have to have taken the time to think about it and plan it and then execute the plan. With all that Beloved has going on now, I'm afraid in his mind my birthday has been put on the back burner. And as much as I'd like to be 'the bigger person', I find myself constantly being the bigger person about many things and quite frankly I'm sick of it. I want him to impress me. I want to be shown how inventive he is at this sort of thing. Most importantly I want to stop thinking I am sitting myself up for one big disappointment.

In other news Cherished had his 5th grade graduation ceremony a few days ago and it was a huge event at his school. Yes, you read that correctly. 5th grade graduation. Evidently in the past 20 years the school system has changed and I missed that memo. When I was in school you had elementary school (grades kindergarten through 6th), then junior high (7th and 8th grade) and high school (Freshman through Senior years). The only graduation ceremony we ever had was when we graduated high school. You know, in the 12th grade! Somewhere, somehow the whole thing changed. Now there is Primary school (kindergarten through 1st or 2nd grade), elementary school (or Middle School as they now refer to it) which are grades 3rd through 5th, junior high which is 6th through 8th and then high school. WTF? Why the change? Like I said, I missed the memo. In Cherished's particular school the highest grade they teach to is 5th, but I still don't understand the ceremony part of it. Thankfully cap and gowns were not required nor worn. But still Mom, Queenie, Pious, Righteous and myself had to sit for two and a half hours in uncomfortable seats to watch 93 5th graders get a diploma. Retarded is the only word that came to mind whilst sitting there. Cherished had requested Worthless to be in attendance, which I passed along to Pious and Righteous but only the two of them showed up and no explanation was offered. I could tell Cherished was disappointed, but said nothing. I should have asked Misunderstood to attend because I knew he would have came, but I forgot. I am a terrible Mom sometimes.

I still have not found a 2nd job. I've put applications in everywhere and not one call back. I suspect it's due to my limited availability on hours, but there's nothing I can do about that. Still, I'm stressing. I need the extra money.

Due to my limited funds Cherished and I will be doing nothing and going nowhere over the holiday weekend. Gas prices are $3.50 a gallon here and I can't afford to pay attention so please have a beer and burger for me at whatever BBQ you are attending. Just hold the ketchup and mustard.