Aftermath

The texts messages that night went like this:

Beloved: i am sorry & i will never love anyone like i love you
Me: why would u betray me this way? i will never understand. u don't do that to someone u love
Beloved: i am a fool & soon it won't matter
Me: i loved u with all i had & i thought u loved me the same way
Beloved: i blame no one but me. for the record my heart never has & never will betray you. i know you will never understand that
Me: u only have urself to blame
Beloved: like i said you will never understand that

Then a few minutes later:

Beloved: even if i don't have you, you will always have my heart and soul
Me: how can u say that now when we both know u have been lying 2 me about this girl? is that not betrayal?
Beloved: maybe in the next life i'll be smarter till then i'll live like the piece of shit i am
Me: i don't want to hear anymore of ur lies
Beloved: that wasn't a lie
Me: everything u have ever said 2 me was a lie
Beloved: no it isn't. but you will feel that way no matter what i say. so i'm sorry. at least i get to take some of the best & happiest memories i have with me


Then a few more minutes later:

Beloved: we're over aren't we?
Me: yes we are
Beloved: well i'm sorry to hear that cause regardless i thought what we have is special. oh well too late now. i want to fight to keep you but can't as i have no right to
Me: so special u were texting another girl & lying 2 me about it
Beloved: i feel like we are not supposed to let us end? but you're right it will never work i guess so i'm sorry a million times over

As soon as I finished reading the last text Queenie arrived. I asked her to stay here while I took all of Beloved's stuff to his house. She didn't say anything about what was going on...it was pretty apparent what was happening. I texted Beloved to let him know I was on my way. He wasn't happy about it, saying in a text I shouldn't be coming over now ( I'm assuming he meant coming there in anger). All I knew is that I wanted his stuff gone. As in yesterday.

For some reason I drove Queenie's car over. Beloved wasn't expecting to see me in her car and seemed even more unhappy that I had called her and that she knew what he had done. He was even more surprised when I starting unpacking all of his belongings. Hell hath no fury, right? At least I hadn't burned them and was delivering the smoldering ashes. In break-ups I like to be adult about it. I don't want to hear how I was the 'crazy bitch' who burnt all of Beloved's things even when I had every right to do exactly that. Because, I am not a bitch nor crazy. And besides, I hate to drag out 'the break-up'. Misunderstood and I did that when we broke up and it was awful. Quick and clean was my new break-up mantra.

He didn't say anything but silently we emptied the car onto his porch. Again, I was calm and relatively drama free. No tears and no more questions. After I placed the last box on the porch I handed him his house keys that he had given me and asked for my phone and my keys (I had given him the extra set of house keys and keys to my car). Again he seemed stunned and dazed. He said he needed to get the phone numbers off the phone before giving it to me. I had no desire to wait around while he copied down phone numbers and told him so, but he insisted that it would take no longer than a few minutes. Reluctantly I followed him inside and watched him in silence sit at his kitchen table and scribble down 20 or so phone numbers. I got impatient after about a minute and said I would just email him the numbers later and that I wanted to leave. Again he said to wait, he was almost done.

After what seemed like an eternity he flipped the phone shut and handed it to me. Without a word I turned to leave. I will never understand what he called out to me or why. 'Have a nice life.'

I didn't bother to respond and slammed his front door shut behind me. But by the time I was getting ready to back out of his driveway Beloved had ran out to the car and stood by the driver's side window. Maybe because I am a glutton for punishment or actually thought he may have something of substance to say to me at that point I rolled down the window.

We shouldn't end things this way because I love you and I know you still love me.

This was true. This was exactly how I felt at that moment. I started to cry again. Yes I still love you and why did you do this to me? To us?

Then I left.

Queenie was waiting patiently for me back at the apartment and we went out to sit on the front step of my building and smoke while I brought her up to speed. She asked me if there had been signs of the cheating, etc. She was very non-judgmental about the whole thing and I loved her at that moment more than I can convey here. She just was worried about me and how I was coping. No 'I told you so's' or 'You're better off without him' or the ever popular 'I knew he was no good the moment I met him'. Just concern for me. Refreshing.