Wow...seems weird to write a blog again...perhaps I'll find all my old blogs and re-post them again? I wonder where I put them...

Roll End Credits

It's long...but it says volumes. Taken from our morning IM chat.

Beloved: anyway...I'm worried about you...are you ok??
Me: why?
Me: just in a shitty mood i guess
Beloved: you sound so upset
Me: it'll pass
Beloved: your allowed to have those once in a while
Beloved: we all do
Beloved: but know I love you in spite of it
Me: thank you
Beloved: so if you want to vent on me feel more than welcome
Me: naaaaa... its monday...who wants to hear someone gripe?...besides, i'm just crabby
Beloved: I hear ya there sister...if it's you griping...I want to hear it
Me: prolly cuz i'm raggin
Beloved: baby well you talk to me if you wanna...I won't push anything
Me: ok...whats if its u i'm pissed at?
Beloved: then talk to me about it
Me: i'm not pissed at u
Me: but u have lost ur alarm clock privileges
Beloved: lol
Beloved: wait a minute
Beloved: I think it is me your pissed at
Me: why do u think that?
Beloved: I can feel it
Me: nu uh
Beloved: baby what did I do???
Beloved: no walls...tell me
Me: its my mom
Beloved: what talk to me sweetie...please
Me: talking to her yesterday...on our way up to the City
Me: she knows the things i want in our relationship
Beloved: that was a long time together...I figured that was going to come up
Beloved: what did you tell her you wanted in our relationship
Me: you know...we've had this discussion before
Me: she doesnt understand your point of view
Me: u have to remember...my step-dad got divorced on friday...married Mom on sat....
Me: so that is her perspective
Beloved: I know...oh...so she is thinking you should leave me I'm sure
Me: so she thinks i am putting my own wants & needs aside because its not what u want
Beloved: which in all honesty aren't you doing that by staying with me...
Me: she also thinks u have the best of both worlds...as in i'm acting the wife, but not in reality
Beloved: nu uh...I don't make you do anything for me...but love me...
Me: she doesnt understand...after she's talked to you u before...i guess u left her with the impression u wanted to get married and blah, blah, blahblibity blah blah
Me: so anyway...its been on my mind
Beloved: hmmmm
Me: she thinks i should have a timeframe in my head about how long i should wait around
Me: which i do
Me: but her timeframe & my timeframe are different
Beloved: and that is?...what is hers and yours?
Me: mine is around a year...hers is 6 months
Beloved: for us to get married??
Me: yes
Me: or engaged for me...
Beloved: hmmmmmmmmmm I have to think on this one...I am kinda busy at the moment also...I'll IM you in a few
Me: its nothing for you to think about
Beloved: oh yes it is
Me: because i feel like its a catch-22...its obvious you dont want to marry me...& i want to be married...so now what? you feel pressured & i feel like if i dont say anything mom is right...i'm just allowing what i want to remain unimportant & unsaid...
Me: i just wanted u to want the same things i wanted at the same time
Me: i know ur busy
Me: i'm just getting out whats in my head
Me: u can read it later
Beloved: ok...type away sweetie, lay it all out there
Beloved: I will reply to all of it
Me: theres no reply necessary
Me: i cant make u want what i want when i want it...it just hurts is all
Me: i'm in the rock & hard place
Me: when i feel in the beginning u did want to get married a lot sooner...u talked about me being ur wife all the time...then something changed, & i dont know what...cold feet maybe...wanting ur freedom...i dunno...but i am left still wanting it...not expecting u to do a 180
Me: so its almost shameful to talk to mom about it...cuz a year ago i told her about how we talked about getting married & having a baby & all that...she knows nothing of whats been going on for the last 6 months with you and i...so she's clueless...& i'm ashamed to tell her you've completely changed your mind and i havent & yet we're still together...she would think i was completely stupid
Me: so i just try to say as little about it as possible...or lie outright...but me saying little or nothing only makes her press more
Me: cuz u know how moms r
Me: at least my mom
Me: she's more persistent than u r
Me: so anyway...i'm just thinking about it all
Me: that & waking up late & raggin has left me crabby
Beloved: baby I'm so slammed...I'm so sorry your stressing like this...and it's wrong...
Beloved: I'll talk more in a bit
Me: i said...its ok
Beloved: no it's not ok...this requires discussion
Me: thats the b*tch...whats there to discuss?...u feel one way...i feel another...i dont see a middle ground on this one & thats whats so depressing
Beloved: I didn't know you put a time limit on it...and I see you suffering unfairly
Me: it was my own timeframe...not urs
Beloved: but it effects me as well as you
Me: it really only effects me...
Beloved: oh ok...so in a year when it's not what you want and you leave to go find what you want...you think it's only effecting you???
Me: well...i didnt think about it that way...all i know is u feel one way & i feel another...at this point i dont know what to do or not to do
Beloved: I see this...hmmmmm...give me a few
Beloved: I all of the sudden feel like some mean ass that has kept a beautiful bird in a cage. I feel like I should be letting you go rather than waste your time...and no matter how bad I will hurt or not want it...I feel like that is what you deserve...to go find what you want...I love you so much that all I want is for you to be happy and you aren't getting that from me...you may have temporary happiness...but I want you to have your long term happiness...
Me: i just want to cry
Beloved: so do I
Beloved: why do you want to...cause you believe that to be true?
Me: i dont know
Beloved: then why do you want to cry
Me: i cry because i'm sad
Me: that things with you changed
Beloved: as am I...
Me: & i dont know what they are
Beloved: I don't think they changed
Me: & it doesnt matter anyway
Me: it is what it is
Beloved: why
Me: the outcome/result is the same
Beloved: I love you uhave2bkidn...more than you will ever know...and I do think I will lose you one day over you needing something I'm not providing...
Beloved: and I could never hold that against you
Beloved: because you deserve so much
Me: i just want to die
Beloved: you feel like crying...I feel like dying

Later....

Beloved: ok well I am at a loss...can't figure it out
Me: maybe we need some time apart to figure it out
Beloved: I don't know if I wanted marriage and a baby and things inside me changed after going through that nightmare of a divorce and scared me away from it entirely...or if I didn't want it in the beginning and saw you did and wanted you so bad that I knew that was what I needed to tell you to keep you...and this is the first time you have mentioned time apart...how much time...when...how...I'm afraid to be without you
Me: so u dont know if u ever wanted them...why did you tell me u did?
Me: wait...it doesnt matter
Me: i need time to think
Beloved: what...no I do want them
Beloved: I want to be with you till I am no longer alive
Me: u r not making any sense
Beloved: I know
Me: 'I don't know if I wanted marriage and a baby'
Me: that is what u just wrote
Beloved: I want to be with you for the rest of my life...and I understand that is/will include marriage...do I know when?...no
Me: I know
Beloved: that is cause you had me wondering...and I love you so much that I know I would marry you and have a baby with you...I also know I can't right now...and on those subjects the time for you is now
Me: here is what i know: i do want those things...i want them with you...but i dont see any point in sticking around waiting for you to now 'grow into' the idea...its like ur waiting for your own self to talk u into it
Me: u cant right now...what makes u think u will 'eventually'...or in the future at all?
Beloved: because I know I can't be without you and know that if I spend the rest of my life with you that you deserve to be my wife
Beloved: back to my question...how much time apart are you talking about...and do you mean completely...like not talking or seeing each other...or just cutting way back???
Me: i need some time alone to think this out for myself
Beloved: ok how much time???
Me: i dont know...a week?
Me: however long it takes me to make a decision
Beloved: so you want me to go all the rest of this week without seeing or talking to you
Me: yes
Beloved: do I have anything at the apartment??
Me: I don't think so....some cake mix maybe
Me: & other sweets
Beloved: not worried about that stuff...ok so are you going to go out at all this week ??
Me: is that ur concern right now??
Me: r u serious?
Beloved: I had to ask...but no not my concern
Me: i'm telling you all of this...& u think what? i'm going out somewhere?
Me: unbelievable
Beloved: no baby
Beloved: ok...so let me also ask this...do you want this phone back now in case?
Me: no
Beloved: ok then....I love you and I'll talk to you next monday
Me: ok
Beloved: I'm logging out and not going to log in all week to resist the desire to talk to you

A minute later...

Beloved: logged back in to say I really don't want to be without you...but fully understand your side...I just hope that next monday you still want to be with me...oh well...I will talk to you then
Me: i dont think u understand
Me: but i'm going to figure out what is important to me & do what i think is best for me
Beloved: I do understand that
Me: ok
Beloved: ok...well I hope you figure out what you need too...and if come monday we are no longer together I will know it is what is best for you and that is all that is important...I do love you though baby...lots
Me: i love you too...what i dont think ur getting is that love is not enough
Me: but oh well
Beloved: and I can stay logged in and not talk to you...so I will be here if you need me or have questions...I do understand that love is not enough...and I am fully convinced that come monday you will want to go our seperate ways...so honestly whether I understand or not is really not relevant.
Beloved: ok, I'll leave you alone now

Wires

The video seems to have nothing to do with song or the lyrics, at least from my perspective. But I love the visual in my head that I have when I hear this song. It makes me think of Beloved and Lovely because she has medical issues that land her in the hospital from time to time.

Enjoy!

100

Since this is my 100th post I thought I should do something 'special' or noteworthy, but nothing noteworthy came to mind. Hey, it's the thought, right?

I really want to post about Princess and Lovely and this little 'problem' I have, but it's so bizarre I'm hesitant to tell even you.

It's about cooties.

Ok, really it's about lice. Beloved's children has them. Yes, that's right. They have them and have had them for the past 6 months or so. Off and on. Beloved gets rid of them when he has the girls, then he disinfects his house and sprays down everything w/ the lice spray and yet when they go back to Wicked's they get re-infected.

Yeah, it gives me the willies too. Makes my head itch just thinking about it.

Consequently I have not wanted to go over to Beloved's house to hang out or do laundry or do much of anything since this has been going on. Oh, and don't even think about bringing those little cootie-ridden ankle biters to my apartment. Nu uh!

Beloved knows how I feel and understands it, but doesn't know how to fix it.

Because...Wicked lives with her parents and the three girls. In a really small house. And based on the fact that Wicked wasn't much of a 'clean freak' when she and Beloved were married (Beloved said she was a pig and he did all the household chores) I cringe to think about how dirty the house is that the girls live in. Wicked's mother is very heavy and a smoker and has health problems and doesn't clean either. Now I know how lice is contracted and I know basic cleanliness is not the problem. But I also do know if you don't wash/spray EVERYTHING thoroughly when lice are found then they will continue to breed and re-infect everyone that they can sink their little fangs into. Did you know those little blood suckers can live 40-50 days???

EWWWWWWWW!

Wait, I'm itchin' now...all over. I gotta think about something else for a minute.

My issue is that I want to spend time with his children and get to know them and have them spend time with Cherished and I and so on and so forth.

Now how am I supposed to do that? When I know they're infected?

I'm an understanding person, but really...I put my foot down on hanging out with blood-sucking parasite ridden kids. And it's for completely selfish reasons, I assure you. I don't want cooties on Cherished or my person or in my apartment.

Still, I feel bad for Princess and Lovely. They know the reasons why I don't have them over at my apartment and why I don't snuggle next to them on the couch when they're at Beloved's. In fact I don't even sit on the couch at Beloved's. I imagine there must be an entire cootie colony living in those couch cushions.

The Reason Why

With the holiday upon me, I feel the need to reflect.

*Peers in mirror*

Yep, it's still me.

Whew!

Glad to get that out of the way.

*Glances at the mirror again*

Wait...

What's different?

*Pulls skin back tightly around left eye*

Am I going to need an eye lift by the time I'm forty?

No, thats not it.

*Leans closer to mirror*

It's the look in the eyes. Definitely different than a year ago.

*Bends head down*

Pluck! I need to color my hair. What's causing me to gray prematurely?

Life, girl. Deal with it.

Maybe it's me not dealing with it that is causing me to feel this way.

Ya think?

Raincheck

Lately I have been so tired I cannot even muster the strength to post. I go to bed tired, wake up tired and so on. I have not had a 'vacation' in I don't know how long and still I keep putting off taking a few days absence from work to re-energize. Don't give me shit when I tell you I'm saving my vacation days until when Beloved has his diverticulitis surgery so I will be there to nurse him back to health. I'm a giver, ok?

I have much to blog about but will put it off for another day. I think Beloved has to work at his second job tomorrow night so I will do my best to set aside that time to click away at the keyboard then.

Dad

Call me a big blubbering baby. Tell me to 'get over it', 'move on', 'grow up' or whatever. Last week as I set at my desk at work and told Mom on the phone that Dad had forgotten my birthday I cried hard. My face got blotchy, eyes swollen, the whole nine yards. I choked out the words and tried in vain to act like I wasn't crushed. But I was. He's my dad for Christ's sake! Yes, I know he was Las Vegas on one of his many gambling trips that he and his girlfriend take and that he 'simply forgot.'

I suppose it's just a reflection of our relationship as a whole.

I suppose it shouldn't surprise me or hurt the way it does. In spite of the fact that at this point in my life Dad and I are the closest we've ever been emotionally. But 'close' to me is a relative term. I am not a Daddy's girl.

My relationship with Dad is probably not that different from anyone else's. At least no one that I know. We're not particularly close but not emotionally distant either. By the time I was born Dad was thirty years old, married with now three children and running his own business. We were living in the town he'd grown up in which was an economically depressed area. He wanted to make money. He wanted to be successful. I'm sure he needed to show his father that the business he had purchased from him wouldn't flounder and fail under his ownership.

My dad was driven to make money. All of my earliest memories of him are of him working. One of my most vivid memories is me being small enough that I used to attach myself to one of his legs (wrapping my arms and legs around his calf and ankle) in an effort to make him to stay home. He would laugh and say he had to leave and then try to shake me loose. To me, he seemed to always be in some sort of state of working.

Dad wasn't a complete ogre. I also remember him coming to watch me cheer in elementary school or play softball for the fire department in the summer (the extent of my sports playing). But even those activities were tempered by his work schedule.

In the mid-eighties he moved his business to a nearby county and then moved our family to the same town a few years later. By that time my Mom got sick and their marriage began to deteriorate rapidly. He escaped to work even more. He had an affair with his secretary (whom he is still with).

All of his hard work did finally pay off. Dad retired at 50 years old (having sold the business to Queenie) and now 14 years later (due to his hard work and wise financial investments) he's enjoying the fruits of his labor. He takes frequent vacations and his house is free and clear. Still, I often wonder if he is really happy.

So on Father's Day I will try not to dwell on all the things he wasn't. Dad taught me many good things and for that I am grateful. Still, I am wishful to have the kind of father-daughter relationship that Beloved has with Princess and Lovely. The one where your dad seems to need you as much as you need him. The one where there is mutual respect. In my heart I am a Daddy's girl wanna be.