The texts messages that night went like this:
Beloved: i am sorry & i will never love anyone like i love you
Me: why would u betray me this way? i will never understand. u don't do that to someone u love
Beloved: i am a fool & soon it won't matter
Me: i loved u with all i had & i thought u loved me the same way
Beloved: i blame no one but me. for the record my heart never has & never will betray you. i know you will never understand that
Me: u only have urself to blame
Beloved: like i said you will never understand that
Then a few minutes later:
Beloved: even if i don't have you, you will always have my heart and soul
Me: how can u say that now when we both know u have been lying 2 me about this girl? is that not betrayal?
Beloved: maybe in the next life i'll be smarter till then i'll live like the piece of shit i am
Me: i don't want to hear anymore of ur lies
Beloved: that wasn't a lie
Me: everything u have ever said 2 me was a lie
Beloved: no it isn't. but you will feel that way no matter what i say. so i'm sorry. at least i get to take some of the best & happiest memories i have with me
Then a few more minutes later:
Beloved: we're over aren't we?
Me: yes we are
Beloved: well i'm sorry to hear that cause regardless i thought what we have is special. oh well too late now. i want to fight to keep you but can't as i have no right to
Me: so special u were texting another girl & lying 2 me about it
Beloved: i feel like we are not supposed to let us end? but you're right it will never work i guess so i'm sorry a million times over
As soon as I finished reading the last text Queenie arrived. I asked her to stay here while I took all of Beloved's stuff to his house. She didn't say anything about what was going on...it was pretty apparent what was happening. I texted Beloved to let him know I was on my way. He wasn't happy about it, saying in a text I shouldn't be coming over now ( I'm assuming he meant coming there in anger). All I knew is that I wanted his stuff gone. As in yesterday.
For some reason I drove Queenie's car over. Beloved wasn't expecting to see me in her car and seemed even more unhappy that I had called her and that she knew what he had done. He was even more surprised when I starting unpacking all of his belongings. Hell hath no fury, right? At least I hadn't burned them and was delivering the smoldering ashes. In break-ups I like to be adult about it. I don't want to hear how I was the 'crazy bitch' who burnt all of Beloved's things even when I had every right to do exactly that. Because, I am not a bitch nor crazy. And besides, I hate to drag out 'the break-up'. Misunderstood and I did that when we broke up and it was awful. Quick and clean was my new break-up mantra.
He didn't say anything but silently we emptied the car onto his porch. Again, I was calm and relatively drama free. No tears and no more questions. After I placed the last box on the porch I handed him his house keys that he had given me and asked for my phone and my keys (I had given him the extra set of house keys and keys to my car). Again he seemed stunned and dazed. He said he needed to get the phone numbers off the phone before giving it to me. I had no desire to wait around while he copied down phone numbers and told him so, but he insisted that it would take no longer than a few minutes. Reluctantly I followed him inside and watched him in silence sit at his kitchen table and scribble down 20 or so phone numbers. I got impatient after about a minute and said I would just email him the numbers later and that I wanted to leave. Again he said to wait, he was almost done.
After what seemed like an eternity he flipped the phone shut and handed it to me. Without a word I turned to leave. I will never understand what he called out to me or why. 'Have a nice life.'
I didn't bother to respond and slammed his front door shut behind me. But by the time I was getting ready to back out of his driveway Beloved had ran out to the car and stood by the driver's side window. Maybe because I am a glutton for punishment or actually thought he may have something of substance to say to me at that point I rolled down the window.
We shouldn't end things this way because I love you and I know you still love me.
This was true. This was exactly how I felt at that moment. I started to cry again. Yes I still love you and why did you do this to me? To us?
Then I left.
Queenie was waiting patiently for me back at the apartment and we went out to sit on the front step of my building and smoke while I brought her up to speed. She asked me if there had been signs of the cheating, etc. She was very non-judgmental about the whole thing and I loved her at that moment more than I can convey here. She just was worried about me and how I was coping. No 'I told you so's' or 'You're better off without him' or the ever popular 'I knew he was no good the moment I met him'. Just concern for me. Refreshing.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Program...
Last night as Beloved and I lay in bed in a deep, sound sleep and I dreamt a bizarre dream with Nick Lachey and a strangely obese house cat I suddenly felt something scurry across my forehead.
Something small and furry.Scurry.Across.My.Forehead.
Do I really need to describe how quickly I became awake and jumped from the bed like I was on fire? How I ran over and turned on the light and then Beloved jumped up wanting to know what the hell was happening?
Something just crawled across my forehead. As in, I think a mouse.
Beloved looks over at the bed and crumpled pile of sheets and blankets. Are you sure?
I don't have my contacts in so I'm as blind as a bat, but I know what I felt. I nod. Go see.
We both look toward the bed just as Tibbey, Cherished's hamster crawls from the mountain of covers and looks at us innocently. WTF?
Beloved and I look at each other for a second then bust out in laughter that almost brings us to our knees. After I walk over and scoop Tibbey up and place him back in his cage (which I re-secured with a twisty-tie) we both decide we need a cigarette to calm our nerves.
I thought I heard the cage door open at around midnight, but I was just falling asleep and thought I must be dreaming. Then later I felt something scratch my arm in bed and I thought it was you!
I giggle again and noting it's after two in the morning. You mean he's been out of his cage for over 2 hours? I wonder what in the hell made him wanna crawl in bed with us?
Maybe he had a bad dream?
Something small and furry.Scurry.Across.My.Forehead.
Do I really need to describe how quickly I became awake and jumped from the bed like I was on fire? How I ran over and turned on the light and then Beloved jumped up wanting to know what the hell was happening?
Something just crawled across my forehead. As in, I think a mouse.
Beloved looks over at the bed and crumpled pile of sheets and blankets. Are you sure?
I don't have my contacts in so I'm as blind as a bat, but I know what I felt. I nod. Go see.
We both look toward the bed just as Tibbey, Cherished's hamster crawls from the mountain of covers and looks at us innocently. WTF?
Beloved and I look at each other for a second then bust out in laughter that almost brings us to our knees. After I walk over and scoop Tibbey up and place him back in his cage (which I re-secured with a twisty-tie) we both decide we need a cigarette to calm our nerves.
I thought I heard the cage door open at around midnight, but I was just falling asleep and thought I must be dreaming. Then later I felt something scratch my arm in bed and I thought it was you!
I giggle again and noting it's after two in the morning. You mean he's been out of his cage for over 2 hours? I wonder what in the hell made him wanna crawl in bed with us?
Maybe he had a bad dream?
Monday, May 28, 2007
I Told You So Continues....
This is continued from yesterday's post...
Before Beloved left he managed to tell me he'd only texted Kara and spoke to her on the phone, but had never met her. This had been going on for a week. He'd met her online he said, in some chat room while he was at work. He also admitted he had been visiting chat rooms for months.
Just when I thought I couldn't become more surprised or amazed at the person I loved and thought I knew standing in front of me - BAM! Since he had no Internet connection at home, he had made the time to go check out some chat rooms at work. Everyday at work we both log into Yahoo messenger and chat away to each other all day long. In my head I imagined my message box on his computer screen along with 2 or 3 boxes at the same time as he chatted away with other women as well as myself.
I asked him why he had felt the need to go to chat rooms to begin with. Why? It seemed like a simple question. He said that he had been looking for another girl for a threesome for us.
Wait. Did you catch that? I'll let it sink in. Yes, that is really what he told me. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.
It's no secret we're both pretty open sexually and getting with another girl has been something I have always wanted to do. But here's what you didn't know: remember Beloved's diverticulitis? How he stayed in the hospital for an entire week and how tender and sore his stomach was afterward? And how at that point in our relationship we hadn't had sex in an ENTIRE MONTH? Yeah, I thought you had forgotten.
Well, I hadn't. When he told me that bullshit about a threesome I just looked at him and said something to the effect of 'ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?'
I guess I could have handled it better if he'd said he was bored with me. Or bored with our sex life. Or he just didn't find me attractive anymore. Or, more accurately, that he was just a whoring skirt chaser. But please don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining.
Here's another gem you didn't know that also plays into this story. Nearly a year ago I added Beloved on my Verizon plan as a second line and he's paid me each month for his share of the bill. By doing this it also allows me to see every phone number he calls and every text he sends/receives (I have online billing, and no, he doesn't have access to it). We did this because at the time we were calling/texting each other constantly and it was getting expensive considering we had 2 different cell phone plans/companies.
So as I sat there on the couch I figured I'd use I-can-access-all-your-call/text history-so-I'll-be-able-see-everything card now and I asked Beloved if Kara had been the only one he'd ever called or texted from the chat rooms. I told him he'd better come clean now because I was ordering a transcript of the text messages from Verizon tomorrow and I'd know exactly how many women and what was said.
He admitted then and there that there had been others. He had called or texted them as well but never met them in person, either. That every time they'd pushed to meet he had chickened out. So much for the threesome lie, huh? When he told me that, it was obvious to me none of these girls were propositioned for a threesome. The reality was he was merely dating online.
Did I believe him when he said he never met them? No, I do not. But more on that later..
For the time being, I was done talking. I told him to leave.
When Beloved left that night he had to walk two miles home. Why? A few weeks before he had wrecked his truck and while the insurance company was dicking around he still had no vehicle. He had been riding to work with his best friend and since I work only 2 miles from him, I had been picking him up from there when his best friend couldn't, or he had borrowed his mom's car when she was out of town. Since we were planning to drive together to my nephew's birthday party Saturday I had picked him up from his house after work that night and brought him to my apartment, hence him having no vehicle. Of course, in light of our little conversation I sure as hell wasn't worried about his transportation home at nearly midnight when he left. Fuck him. If he had to walk I didn't care.
After he left I remember sitting there on the couch trying to make sense of what just happened. My thought process went something like this: Had I not been a good enough girlfriend? What had I done to make him stray? Wasn't I pretty enough? Good enough in bed? Was Wicked somewhere laughing her ass off saying , 'I TOLD YOU SO!' Pretty pathetic thoughts, I know. When I should have chucked his sorry ass to the curb for his poor judgment, I was blaming myself for something that wasn't even my problem.
I had my pity party for all of about 5 minutes then I went into action.
Beloved and I were practically living together up to that point. He was only staying at his house when he had his girls so the majority of his clothes were hanging in my closet and occupying space in two of my dresser drawers (did I mention I had been doing his laundry, too?). All his shoes were here, plus a bunch of toiletry items in the bathroom. He had brought over his collection of baseball cards (well over a thousand of them in various boxes) and we had started to sort them out in the past several months.
Like a mad woman I grabbed an empty cardboard box and started packing everything. On my bathroom mirror Beloved had written me love notes (like 'I love you' and 'You're my everything' and 'I'm lost without you') on Post-Its that I had collected and stuck there. There were probably 25 of them or more. I didn't tear them up but plucked each one off the mirror with a vehement zeal and stuck them in the box. I did the same thing with birthday/anniversary cards at my night stand, pictures of the two of us and the like.
Yes, I felt like the Grinch. The Grinch who Stole and Boxed Up this Relationship.
When the box got too heavy I grabbed two garbage bags and stuffed them full as well. In between this I called Queenie and woke her from what sounded like a sound sleep (it was almost one in the morning by then) and through my crying told her she needed to get here now. She never hesitated or questioned, she just got in her car and drove.
Before Beloved left he managed to tell me he'd only texted Kara and spoke to her on the phone, but had never met her. This had been going on for a week. He'd met her online he said, in some chat room while he was at work. He also admitted he had been visiting chat rooms for months.
Just when I thought I couldn't become more surprised or amazed at the person I loved and thought I knew standing in front of me - BAM! Since he had no Internet connection at home, he had made the time to go check out some chat rooms at work. Everyday at work we both log into Yahoo messenger and chat away to each other all day long. In my head I imagined my message box on his computer screen along with 2 or 3 boxes at the same time as he chatted away with other women as well as myself.
I asked him why he had felt the need to go to chat rooms to begin with. Why? It seemed like a simple question. He said that he had been looking for another girl for a threesome for us.
Wait. Did you catch that? I'll let it sink in. Yes, that is really what he told me. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.
It's no secret we're both pretty open sexually and getting with another girl has been something I have always wanted to do. But here's what you didn't know: remember Beloved's diverticulitis? How he stayed in the hospital for an entire week and how tender and sore his stomach was afterward? And how at that point in our relationship we hadn't had sex in an ENTIRE MONTH? Yeah, I thought you had forgotten.
Well, I hadn't. When he told me that bullshit about a threesome I just looked at him and said something to the effect of 'ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?'
I guess I could have handled it better if he'd said he was bored with me. Or bored with our sex life. Or he just didn't find me attractive anymore. Or, more accurately, that he was just a whoring skirt chaser. But please don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining.
Here's another gem you didn't know that also plays into this story. Nearly a year ago I added Beloved on my Verizon plan as a second line and he's paid me each month for his share of the bill. By doing this it also allows me to see every phone number he calls and every text he sends/receives (I have online billing, and no, he doesn't have access to it). We did this because at the time we were calling/texting each other constantly and it was getting expensive considering we had 2 different cell phone plans/companies.
So as I sat there on the couch I figured I'd use I-can-access-all-your-call/text history-so-I'll-be-able-see-everything card now and I asked Beloved if Kara had been the only one he'd ever called or texted from the chat rooms. I told him he'd better come clean now because I was ordering a transcript of the text messages from Verizon tomorrow and I'd know exactly how many women and what was said.
He admitted then and there that there had been others. He had called or texted them as well but never met them in person, either. That every time they'd pushed to meet he had chickened out. So much for the threesome lie, huh? When he told me that, it was obvious to me none of these girls were propositioned for a threesome. The reality was he was merely dating online.
Did I believe him when he said he never met them? No, I do not. But more on that later..
For the time being, I was done talking. I told him to leave.
When Beloved left that night he had to walk two miles home. Why? A few weeks before he had wrecked his truck and while the insurance company was dicking around he still had no vehicle. He had been riding to work with his best friend and since I work only 2 miles from him, I had been picking him up from there when his best friend couldn't, or he had borrowed his mom's car when she was out of town. Since we were planning to drive together to my nephew's birthday party Saturday I had picked him up from his house after work that night and brought him to my apartment, hence him having no vehicle. Of course, in light of our little conversation I sure as hell wasn't worried about his transportation home at nearly midnight when he left. Fuck him. If he had to walk I didn't care.
After he left I remember sitting there on the couch trying to make sense of what just happened. My thought process went something like this: Had I not been a good enough girlfriend? What had I done to make him stray? Wasn't I pretty enough? Good enough in bed? Was Wicked somewhere laughing her ass off saying , 'I TOLD YOU SO!' Pretty pathetic thoughts, I know. When I should have chucked his sorry ass to the curb for his poor judgment, I was blaming myself for something that wasn't even my problem.
I had my pity party for all of about 5 minutes then I went into action.
Beloved and I were practically living together up to that point. He was only staying at his house when he had his girls so the majority of his clothes were hanging in my closet and occupying space in two of my dresser drawers (did I mention I had been doing his laundry, too?). All his shoes were here, plus a bunch of toiletry items in the bathroom. He had brought over his collection of baseball cards (well over a thousand of them in various boxes) and we had started to sort them out in the past several months.
Like a mad woman I grabbed an empty cardboard box and started packing everything. On my bathroom mirror Beloved had written me love notes (like 'I love you' and 'You're my everything' and 'I'm lost without you') on Post-Its that I had collected and stuck there. There were probably 25 of them or more. I didn't tear them up but plucked each one off the mirror with a vehement zeal and stuck them in the box. I did the same thing with birthday/anniversary cards at my night stand, pictures of the two of us and the like.
Yes, I felt like the Grinch. The Grinch who Stole and Boxed Up this Relationship.
When the box got too heavy I grabbed two garbage bags and stuffed them full as well. In between this I called Queenie and woke her from what sounded like a sound sleep (it was almost one in the morning by then) and through my crying told her she needed to get here now. She never hesitated or questioned, she just got in her car and drove.
Told You
I never believed it when people said they had 'no idea' their significant other was having an affair. I mean, really...the woman always know, right?
Well, I didn't. I would have more believed Beloved was snorting coke or free-basing heroin than to believe he was messing around. When would he have found the time?
Were there signs? Signs that I suspected him of cheating? I didn't see any signs. Probably because I wasn't looking for any. I tend to become suspicious and alert when things start to go downhill. But I'll get to that.
The shit hit the fan in late March. It happened on a Friday night, after we had went to bed. He was exhausted and feel asleep right away. I couldn't sleep, tossing and turning because I wasn't tired until I finally got up and went out into the living room. I thought I'd turn on my laptop and play some Hearts on Yahoo (which would make me tired) but when I went to plug it up to the wall outlet I had to unplug Beloved's phone (it was re-charging) to make room.
Looking back, I don't remember exactly why I flipped open his phone. Curiosity? Was my subconscious beckoning me to do it? I dunno. When I did I saw he had an unopened text message from someone named Kara.
Immediately 2 things hit me. I didn't know of any Kara, and he had never mentioned a person by that name to me. Second, he knew this person well enough to program her name and number into his phone.
My hands began to shake and my stomach did a flip-flop. I opened the message. I don't remember exactly what was said, but the text was flirty and it was obvious this wasn't the first message she'd sent. After opening the rest of his text messages for that day I saw that this was the 3rd message she'd sent him that evening. I recalled his phone going off while we were sitting there watching TV before we went to bed and Beloved had flipped it open and said it was his best friend texting him. He said he'd text him back in the morning. And I'd believed him, having no other reason not to.
So now I sat there realizing I had just won the world's biggest fool award by a unanimous vote. Yet, I had no flowers or crown to show for it.
The following day Beloved, Cherished and I were supposed to go out to Meanie's house to celebrate my nephew's 7th birthday. This was the first weekend in months that Beloved didn't have to work on his remodel of his house and he didn't have his girls and we were all excited just to be able to go and relax and play some cards with my family. Sitting there I weighed my options. If I confronted him now I knew our weekend plans would be shot to hell and I would have to face my family and explain Beloved's absence. Or I could let it go until Sunday.
Who was I kidding? There was no way I could wait until Sunday.
I walked into my bedroom where Beloved was sleeping and flipped on the light. Beloved sat up like he'd been shot. I stood near the door and nonchalantly tossed him his phone. "Who's Kara?"
Beloved was still trying to wake up but it only took a few seconds for him to realize the gig was up and he'd better come up with some explanation. And quickly.
Again, I don't remember exactly what he said. Something about her just being a 'friend'. In fact, the next few minutes were a blur. I said I didn't believe him, wanted to know how long it had been going on...you know, the usual. Beloved had gotten up and started to dress. We came out into the living room and eventually I had asked him to leave, when it became obvious to me just exactly what had been going on. He had actually said very little. He knew that I knew and there wasn't anything he could say.
I had cried alittle as he dressed, but for the most part had kept my composure. I was in shock. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. I couldn't believe I hadn't seen this coming from 50 miles away.
But I hadn't.
Well, I didn't. I would have more believed Beloved was snorting coke or free-basing heroin than to believe he was messing around. When would he have found the time?
Were there signs? Signs that I suspected him of cheating? I didn't see any signs. Probably because I wasn't looking for any. I tend to become suspicious and alert when things start to go downhill. But I'll get to that.
The shit hit the fan in late March. It happened on a Friday night, after we had went to bed. He was exhausted and feel asleep right away. I couldn't sleep, tossing and turning because I wasn't tired until I finally got up and went out into the living room. I thought I'd turn on my laptop and play some Hearts on Yahoo (which would make me tired) but when I went to plug it up to the wall outlet I had to unplug Beloved's phone (it was re-charging) to make room.
Looking back, I don't remember exactly why I flipped open his phone. Curiosity? Was my subconscious beckoning me to do it? I dunno. When I did I saw he had an unopened text message from someone named Kara.
Immediately 2 things hit me. I didn't know of any Kara, and he had never mentioned a person by that name to me. Second, he knew this person well enough to program her name and number into his phone.
My hands began to shake and my stomach did a flip-flop. I opened the message. I don't remember exactly what was said, but the text was flirty and it was obvious this wasn't the first message she'd sent. After opening the rest of his text messages for that day I saw that this was the 3rd message she'd sent him that evening. I recalled his phone going off while we were sitting there watching TV before we went to bed and Beloved had flipped it open and said it was his best friend texting him. He said he'd text him back in the morning. And I'd believed him, having no other reason not to.
So now I sat there realizing I had just won the world's biggest fool award by a unanimous vote. Yet, I had no flowers or crown to show for it.
The following day Beloved, Cherished and I were supposed to go out to Meanie's house to celebrate my nephew's 7th birthday. This was the first weekend in months that Beloved didn't have to work on his remodel of his house and he didn't have his girls and we were all excited just to be able to go and relax and play some cards with my family. Sitting there I weighed my options. If I confronted him now I knew our weekend plans would be shot to hell and I would have to face my family and explain Beloved's absence. Or I could let it go until Sunday.
Who was I kidding? There was no way I could wait until Sunday.
I walked into my bedroom where Beloved was sleeping and flipped on the light. Beloved sat up like he'd been shot. I stood near the door and nonchalantly tossed him his phone. "Who's Kara?"
Beloved was still trying to wake up but it only took a few seconds for him to realize the gig was up and he'd better come up with some explanation. And quickly.
Again, I don't remember exactly what he said. Something about her just being a 'friend'. In fact, the next few minutes were a blur. I said I didn't believe him, wanted to know how long it had been going on...you know, the usual. Beloved had gotten up and started to dress. We came out into the living room and eventually I had asked him to leave, when it became obvious to me just exactly what had been going on. He had actually said very little. He knew that I knew and there wasn't anything he could say.
I had cried alittle as he dressed, but for the most part had kept my composure. I was in shock. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. I couldn't believe I hadn't seen this coming from 50 miles away.
But I hadn't.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Obviously
Projecting:
I was wrong.
- "Projection is the opposite defence mechanism to identification. We project our own unpleasant feelings onto someone else and blame them for having thoughts that we really have."
- "A defense mechanism in which the individual attributes to other people impulses and traits that he himself has but cannot accept. It is especially likely to occur when the person lacks insight into his own impulses and traits."
- "Attributing one's own undesirable traits to other people or agencies."
- "The individual perceives in others the motive he denies having himself. Thus the cheat is sure that everyone else is dishonest."
- "A man harboring attractions for a woman would perceive other men as having the same attractions for her."
- "People attribute their own undesirable traits onto others. An individual who unconsciously harbours his or her aggressive/sexual tendencies may then imagine other people acting in an excessively aggressive or sexual way."
- "An individual who possesses malicious characteristics, but who is unwilling to perceive himself as an antagonist, convinces himself that his opponent feels and would act the same way."
I was wrong.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Spiral
First of all, I have been trying to write a post for over a week. I've been super busy at work and manage (through the day in snippets here and there) to read everyone else's blogs yet don't have the time to write in my own.
My job has been getting in the way of my blogging and it's tap dancing all over my last nerve. Yeah, I know I shouldn't complain because my office environment and co-workers are pretty laid back. I earn every red cent of my pay, but I definitely have some nice little perks. Take for instance the fact that I drive Cherished to school every morning (to save a little money by not having his babysitter do it) which means I am 15 minutes late to work. Every weekday. My boss ok'ed me to do it, so I've done just that for the last year and a half. I also get to bring my lap top to work with me and can serf the Internet at my leisure as long as my work is completed. It's my own laptop using my own broadband access card which I pay for, so I get to go to whatever website I want. Download porn? Download song illegally? Play Hearts on Yahoo? Check, check and check!
What I have been unable to do because work is really making me work is write out a coherent post. Yeah, I could do it at home like normal people, but I am not 'normal' and more importantly the evenings are when I spend time with Cherished and Beloved. Most importantly since I tend to write about the angst in mine and Beloved's relationship I cannot write in the evening because he's here with me and doesn't know about this blog. Wait...he knows about it, but doesn't know my blog address so he can't read it. And I want to keep it that way. So I can't write while he's here. Unless he's not here, like tonight. Finally Cherished is in bed and Beloved's out running errands and doing all the stuff he doesn't have time to do during 'normal business hours' and I have more than 15 minutes to gather my thoughts. It's bliss I say.
As last posted I am fearing the end is near in our relationship and it basically boils down to I'm a big wuss. I don't feel the need to elaborate. I'm a big enough person to admit I'm a clucking chicken-human hybrid but not big enough to do anything about it.
Beloved's final divorce hearing (where he says everything is actually finalized, done, finished, etc.) is June 11th. Wanna hear something ironic? That date is my birthday. And who said Karma doesn't have a sense of humor? When he told me of the date I was not pleased. On the contrary I was down-right pissed. What I foresee happening is something else coming up at the aforementioned hearing and the final decree is yet again postponed or re-scheduled or some other bullshit like that. And the last thing I want to be thinking about is Beloved's divorce on my damn birthday. I want to be feeling worshipped and adored on the date of my birth. Not hearing about details of the day he spent with Wicked. No siree.
My up-coming birthday has me all up in arms anyway. I'll be 34. That I'm ok with. It's how Beloved is going to acknowledge my birthday that has me squirming. We're both still dirt poor right now and I know he doesn't have much money for a gift. Not the kind of gift that comes in small velvet boxes that contain sparkly things (my favorite kind of gift!). Still, being poor myself I know there are a million other ways you can give a gift that cost practically nothing. But you have to have taken the time to think about it and plan it and then execute the plan. With all that Beloved has going on now, I'm afraid in his mind my birthday has been put on the back burner. And as much as I'd like to be 'the bigger person', I find myself constantly being the bigger person about many things and quite frankly I'm sick of it. I want him to impress me. I want to be shown how inventive he is at this sort of thing. Most importantly I want to stop thinking I am sitting myself up for one big disappointment.
In other news Cherished had his 5th grade graduation ceremony a few days ago and it was a huge event at his school. Yes, you read that correctly. 5th grade graduation. Evidently in the past 20 years the school system has changed and I missed that memo. When I was in school you had elementary school (grades kindergarten through 6th), then junior high (7th and 8th grade) and high school (Freshman through Senior years). The only graduation ceremony we ever had was when we graduated high school. You know, in the 12th grade! Somewhere, somehow the whole thing changed. Now there is Primary school (kindergarten through 1st or 2nd grade), elementary school (or Middle School as they now refer to it) which are grades 3rd through 5th, junior high which is 6th through 8th and then high school. WTF? Why the change? Like I said, I missed the memo. In Cherished's particular school the highest grade they teach to is 5th, but I still don't understand the ceremony part of it. Thankfully cap and gowns were not required nor worn. But still Mom, Queenie, Pious, Righteous and myself had to sit for two and a half hours in uncomfortable seats to watch 93 5th graders get a diploma. Retarded is the only word that came to mind whilst sitting there. Cherished had requested Worthless to be in attendance, which I passed along to Pious and Righteous but only the two of them showed up and no explanation was offered. I could tell Cherished was disappointed, but said nothing. I should have asked Misunderstood to attend because I knew he would have came, but I forgot. I am a terrible Mom sometimes.
I still have not found a 2nd job. I've put applications in everywhere and not one call back. I suspect it's due to my limited availability on hours, but there's nothing I can do about that. Still, I'm stressing. I need the extra money.
Due to my limited funds Cherished and I will be doing nothing and going nowhere over the holiday weekend. Gas prices are $3.50 a gallon here and I can't afford to pay attention so please have a beer and burger for me at whatever BBQ you are attending. Just hold the ketchup and mustard.
My job has been getting in the way of my blogging and it's tap dancing all over my last nerve. Yeah, I know I shouldn't complain because my office environment and co-workers are pretty laid back. I earn every red cent of my pay, but I definitely have some nice little perks. Take for instance the fact that I drive Cherished to school every morning (to save a little money by not having his babysitter do it) which means I am 15 minutes late to work. Every weekday. My boss ok'ed me to do it, so I've done just that for the last year and a half. I also get to bring my lap top to work with me and can serf the Internet at my leisure as long as my work is completed. It's my own laptop using my own broadband access card which I pay for, so I get to go to whatever website I want. Download porn? Download song illegally? Play Hearts on Yahoo? Check, check and check!
What I have been unable to do because work is really making me work is write out a coherent post. Yeah, I could do it at home like normal people, but I am not 'normal' and more importantly the evenings are when I spend time with Cherished and Beloved. Most importantly since I tend to write about the angst in mine and Beloved's relationship I cannot write in the evening because he's here with me and doesn't know about this blog. Wait...he knows about it, but doesn't know my blog address so he can't read it. And I want to keep it that way. So I can't write while he's here. Unless he's not here, like tonight. Finally Cherished is in bed and Beloved's out running errands and doing all the stuff he doesn't have time to do during 'normal business hours' and I have more than 15 minutes to gather my thoughts. It's bliss I say.
As last posted I am fearing the end is near in our relationship and it basically boils down to I'm a big wuss. I don't feel the need to elaborate. I'm a big enough person to admit I'm a clucking chicken-human hybrid but not big enough to do anything about it.
Beloved's final divorce hearing (where he says everything is actually finalized, done, finished, etc.) is June 11th. Wanna hear something ironic? That date is my birthday. And who said Karma doesn't have a sense of humor? When he told me of the date I was not pleased. On the contrary I was down-right pissed. What I foresee happening is something else coming up at the aforementioned hearing and the final decree is yet again postponed or re-scheduled or some other bullshit like that. And the last thing I want to be thinking about is Beloved's divorce on my damn birthday. I want to be feeling worshipped and adored on the date of my birth. Not hearing about details of the day he spent with Wicked. No siree.
My up-coming birthday has me all up in arms anyway. I'll be 34. That I'm ok with. It's how Beloved is going to acknowledge my birthday that has me squirming. We're both still dirt poor right now and I know he doesn't have much money for a gift. Not the kind of gift that comes in small velvet boxes that contain sparkly things (my favorite kind of gift!). Still, being poor myself I know there are a million other ways you can give a gift that cost practically nothing. But you have to have taken the time to think about it and plan it and then execute the plan. With all that Beloved has going on now, I'm afraid in his mind my birthday has been put on the back burner. And as much as I'd like to be 'the bigger person', I find myself constantly being the bigger person about many things and quite frankly I'm sick of it. I want him to impress me. I want to be shown how inventive he is at this sort of thing. Most importantly I want to stop thinking I am sitting myself up for one big disappointment.
In other news Cherished had his 5th grade graduation ceremony a few days ago and it was a huge event at his school. Yes, you read that correctly. 5th grade graduation. Evidently in the past 20 years the school system has changed and I missed that memo. When I was in school you had elementary school (grades kindergarten through 6th), then junior high (7th and 8th grade) and high school (Freshman through Senior years). The only graduation ceremony we ever had was when we graduated high school. You know, in the 12th grade! Somewhere, somehow the whole thing changed. Now there is Primary school (kindergarten through 1st or 2nd grade), elementary school (or Middle School as they now refer to it) which are grades 3rd through 5th, junior high which is 6th through 8th and then high school. WTF? Why the change? Like I said, I missed the memo. In Cherished's particular school the highest grade they teach to is 5th, but I still don't understand the ceremony part of it. Thankfully cap and gowns were not required nor worn. But still Mom, Queenie, Pious, Righteous and myself had to sit for two and a half hours in uncomfortable seats to watch 93 5th graders get a diploma. Retarded is the only word that came to mind whilst sitting there. Cherished had requested Worthless to be in attendance, which I passed along to Pious and Righteous but only the two of them showed up and no explanation was offered. I could tell Cherished was disappointed, but said nothing. I should have asked Misunderstood to attend because I knew he would have came, but I forgot. I am a terrible Mom sometimes.
I still have not found a 2nd job. I've put applications in everywhere and not one call back. I suspect it's due to my limited availability on hours, but there's nothing I can do about that. Still, I'm stressing. I need the extra money.
Due to my limited funds Cherished and I will be doing nothing and going nowhere over the holiday weekend. Gas prices are $3.50 a gallon here and I can't afford to pay attention so please have a beer and burger for me at whatever BBQ you are attending. Just hold the ketchup and mustard.
Monday, May 14, 2007
Da na...Da na...Da na
I have been having disturbing dreams lately. Ok, lately isn't exactly the correct word. For the last 6 months or so I've been having dreams that could be categorized as nightmares. They would wake me up in the middle of the night or early morning and would bother me the rest of the day.
My dreams involved sharks. They would appear in situations that made no sense. I don't remember in all of the dreams if the dream took place in the water, but eventually I would end up in the water they would appear. They wouldn't eat me, but would circle. Or I would catch a glimpse of them in the distance, just a part of their body like a tail or dorsal fin or the sleek torpedo body slowly swaying in the water. As soon as my brain registered their presence I would become anxious. Their appearance represented something to me, but I didn't know what.
A few weeks ago I was telling a co-worker about my dreams and he got online to some dream interpretation website and found the following:
SHARKS : Sharks can often symbolise resentments and bad feelings which are building up in our minds. They refer to bad moods and a sense that trouble is about to happen. They can also link to risk in general and emotional doubts and worries.
And...
Water in dreams links to the unconscious mind. Anything within that water will therefor link to your feelings and intuitions in some way. Sharks will tend to symbolise fears and worries. They will symbolise resentments building up within you and others. If the shark bites then those resentments maybe shown. Sharks can symbolise dangerous and unknown territory. It may show that you feel something involves great danger and risk. Sharks may link to very strong emotional doubts and worries.
Hmmmm.....
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Wear Sunscreen
I do not have many close friends that aren't also relatives. Smelly is one of my oldest and dearest friends. We met the summer before our freshman year of high school. When we found out our birthdays are just 3 days apart, we said it was fate...meant to be. We quickly became best friends. Buz Luhrmann really hit the nail on the head:
Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Smelly knows me. Really knows me, far better than most people and I'm ok with that. It's comforting that even after all these years (21 to be exact) we can sit and talk and be really honest with each about our lives. About our troubles and triumphs and all the stuff in between.
Not everyone has that. But everyone should.
Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Smelly knows me. Really knows me, far better than most people and I'm ok with that. It's comforting that even after all these years (21 to be exact) we can sit and talk and be really honest with each about our lives. About our troubles and triumphs and all the stuff in between.
Not everyone has that. But everyone should.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
The # 8
First of all I do believe I previously mentioned that I am a redneck with a pinch of white trash. I just wanted to remind y'all of that fact before I also admit that I am a huge Nascar fan. No, I haven't been a fan for more than a few years and I barely understand the points system regarding the sport, but I have faithfully watched every race for the last 2 and a half years. Queenie started watching and she sucked me in as well.
If my post title didn't tell you, my driver is Dale Earnhardt Jr. No, I didn't watch the sport when his dad was alive, but from what I know of Dale Sr. he was one of the all-time greatest drivers. And besides, Junior is cute and completely unpretentious. Queenie is partial to Jimmie Johnson, FarrahHair's driver is Tony Stewart, and Meanie roots for Jeff Gordon. Needless to say when we all get together and watch a race, it can get pretty heated.
Today Junior announced he will be leaving Dale Earnhardt Inc. (the company who owns his car that was started by his dad) at the end of this season. For Nascar fans, whether Junior was your driver or not, this was a big shocker. Junior has wanted 51% ownership in his father's company and his step-mom Teresa won't give it to him so he left. Ok, I'm giving the short,
short short version of the story, but that's the gist of it. You can read all about it on any of the sports websites if you're interested. Exciting stuff. It's Nascar's version of a soap opera.
Personally, I don't care where Junior goes as far as the team he races for or what his number will be (won't be the number 8, DEI owns that one) I will still watch him and root for him. I mean did I mention how cute I think he is???
If my post title didn't tell you, my driver is Dale Earnhardt Jr. No, I didn't watch the sport when his dad was alive, but from what I know of Dale Sr. he was one of the all-time greatest drivers. And besides, Junior is cute and completely unpretentious. Queenie is partial to Jimmie Johnson, FarrahHair's driver is Tony Stewart, and Meanie roots for Jeff Gordon. Needless to say when we all get together and watch a race, it can get pretty heated.
Today Junior announced he will be leaving Dale Earnhardt Inc. (the company who owns his car that was started by his dad) at the end of this season. For Nascar fans, whether Junior was your driver or not, this was a big shocker. Junior has wanted 51% ownership in his father's company and his step-mom Teresa won't give it to him so he left. Ok, I'm giving the short,
short short version of the story, but that's the gist of it. You can read all about it on any of the sports websites if you're interested. Exciting stuff. It's Nascar's version of a soap opera.Personally, I don't care where Junior goes as far as the team he races for or what his number will be (won't be the number 8, DEI owns that one) I will still watch him and root for him. I mean did I mention how cute I think he is???
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Exhale
I survived another end of the month at my job.
Applause please.
Yah me!
Actually this month wasn't too bad. But I am having a hard time finding a moment just to sit down and collect my thoughts, iron them out and write them down. Tonight Beloved has his girls for his weekly overnight and now it's 11:00pm and this is the first opportunity I've found to breathe.
*Inhales*
I thought by this time Beloved would be divorced and we would be moved in together. Instead, today I signed another year on the lease for my apartment.
A year ago he told me he wanted to get married and have a baby together. Now he's unsure. Now he wants to wait and get his life in order before taking those huge steps.
I believed for a long time I never wanted to get remarried or have any more kids. Then I found him and he said he wanted those things so I started to want those things. How do I undo that?
Oh, I got a new phone. My co-worker gave showed me this website where you can download cool songs for free. Yeah, FREE. Cool songs. Weird songs. Funny stuff. This is the first time I have ever downloaded a ringtone to my phone. I know, I am a geek.
Meanie pissed me off recently. I told her something in confidence, telling her specifically not to tell our mother and the very next day she blabs her mouth to her anyway. I called her out on it the next day and she didn't even act sorry. In fact, she hung up on me. Aarrgggghhhh!
Cherished wants to transfer to the middle school where Princess will be going in the fall and I can't let him do it because there will be no bus service to bring him home in the afternoon. I am heartbroken and torn because I would like them to go to the same school. But we live outside the district and I can't go and pick him up in the middle of the afternoon to take him to a babysitter. He turns 12 this year and I wanted to save money on having to pay a babysitter at all and just let him come home and be alone for a few hours before I got home from work. The entire situation just sucks all around.
Queenie got to talk to her two boys Geeky and Squeaky the other day on the phone and they were hateful and mean to her. She's going back to court anyway (again) to try to salvage the relationship as best she can. Geeky graduates high school in June and has already joined the Navy. I don't understand Queenie's actions by I respect them just the same. This is going to be another emotional roller coaster for her.
Worthless is out of jail. According to Susan, my Child Support Enforcement case worker, he has the month of May to make child support payments to me or he's going to be indicted in front of the grand jury by the first of June. I struggled with what to do with this tidbit of information for days. Finally I told his parents (because I knew he wouldn't want to talk to me if I tried to call him directly) knowing that they would tell him. No, I do not want to see Worthless rot in jail for months and months. I figured if I gave him a 'heads up' it might motivate him. Pious (Worthless's mother) said something in this phone conversation that pissed me off to no end. She says it will be hard for Worthless to make any payment this month since he just got out of jail and this rain makes his landscaping job even more unreliable for a paycheck and if I'd just accept less in a child support payment (as in, get the monthly amount lowered) then he could afford to pay it at all. Whoa. The child support amount has not changed in EIGHT YEARS. No increases of any kind. I pointed out to her if that's the case, then instead of asking me to accept less money, why don't we ask Worthless to get another FUCKING JOB. And her reply? 'Well, you know he won't do that.' Ok, then he and his pride will rot in jail. Worthless bastard. I don't know what pisses me off more: him not paying, or Pious making excuses for him.
On a lighter note, one of the all-time funniest posts from one of my favorite bloggers, Mist 1 is posted here. I read her blog daily and would post a comment, save for the fact she has a large fan base and at least 60 comments for each post, and I figure she stops reading the comments after the first 10.
Ok, I feel better now.
*Exhales*
Applause please.
Yah me!
Actually this month wasn't too bad. But I am having a hard time finding a moment just to sit down and collect my thoughts, iron them out and write them down. Tonight Beloved has his girls for his weekly overnight and now it's 11:00pm and this is the first opportunity I've found to breathe.
*Inhales*
I thought by this time Beloved would be divorced and we would be moved in together. Instead, today I signed another year on the lease for my apartment.
A year ago he told me he wanted to get married and have a baby together. Now he's unsure. Now he wants to wait and get his life in order before taking those huge steps.
I believed for a long time I never wanted to get remarried or have any more kids. Then I found him and he said he wanted those things so I started to want those things. How do I undo that?
Oh, I got a new phone. My co-worker gave showed me this website where you can download cool songs for free. Yeah, FREE. Cool songs. Weird songs. Funny stuff. This is the first time I have ever downloaded a ringtone to my phone. I know, I am a geek.
Meanie pissed me off recently. I told her something in confidence, telling her specifically not to tell our mother and the very next day she blabs her mouth to her anyway. I called her out on it the next day and she didn't even act sorry. In fact, she hung up on me. Aarrgggghhhh!
Cherished wants to transfer to the middle school where Princess will be going in the fall and I can't let him do it because there will be no bus service to bring him home in the afternoon. I am heartbroken and torn because I would like them to go to the same school. But we live outside the district and I can't go and pick him up in the middle of the afternoon to take him to a babysitter. He turns 12 this year and I wanted to save money on having to pay a babysitter at all and just let him come home and be alone for a few hours before I got home from work. The entire situation just sucks all around.
Queenie got to talk to her two boys Geeky and Squeaky the other day on the phone and they were hateful and mean to her. She's going back to court anyway (again) to try to salvage the relationship as best she can. Geeky graduates high school in June and has already joined the Navy. I don't understand Queenie's actions by I respect them just the same. This is going to be another emotional roller coaster for her.
Worthless is out of jail. According to Susan, my Child Support Enforcement case worker, he has the month of May to make child support payments to me or he's going to be indicted in front of the grand jury by the first of June. I struggled with what to do with this tidbit of information for days. Finally I told his parents (because I knew he wouldn't want to talk to me if I tried to call him directly) knowing that they would tell him. No, I do not want to see Worthless rot in jail for months and months. I figured if I gave him a 'heads up' it might motivate him. Pious (Worthless's mother) said something in this phone conversation that pissed me off to no end. She says it will be hard for Worthless to make any payment this month since he just got out of jail and this rain makes his landscaping job even more unreliable for a paycheck and if I'd just accept less in a child support payment (as in, get the monthly amount lowered) then he could afford to pay it at all. Whoa. The child support amount has not changed in EIGHT YEARS. No increases of any kind. I pointed out to her if that's the case, then instead of asking me to accept less money, why don't we ask Worthless to get another FUCKING JOB. And her reply? 'Well, you know he won't do that.' Ok, then he and his pride will rot in jail. Worthless bastard. I don't know what pisses me off more: him not paying, or Pious making excuses for him.
On a lighter note, one of the all-time funniest posts from one of my favorite bloggers, Mist 1 is posted here. I read her blog daily and would post a comment, save for the fact she has a large fan base and at least 60 comments for each post, and I figure she stops reading the comments after the first 10.
Ok, I feel better now.
*Exhales*
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